In response to a Book Riot and Out of the Box essay on documenting the personal experiences of the pandemic, this timeline will also be in correlation to the new Biden-Harris administration and the continued malfeasance and autocratic menace of the Trump-Republican fascists. Any and all essays on the subjects will be posted here as links.
Wednesday, 20-Jan-21 12:27:30 UTC
🎵 It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new diary…for me, and I’m feeling good 🎵
Happy Inauguration Day!
Worldwide COVID cases: 96,269,168; Deaths: 2,059,772
US COVID cases: 24,254,283; Deaths: 401,777
Wednesday, 27-Jan-21 18:55:38 UTC
For a couple of weeks, my organs felt like they were expanding, pressing on my ribcage. It was very uncomfortable. I had some significant digestive issues. I’m unsure if it was covid. I’m going through perimenopause so my whole system has been imbalanced on and off for a few years now. I have no healthcare so I have to be my own health detective and find what’s wrong when something odd or painful is happening. So, you can imagine how confused and paranoid I get when something like this is happening during a pandemic. I also thought I had breast cancer—I still could, but since I don’t have healthcare and in the middle of a pandemic, what exactly am I supposed to do about it?
Republicans have gone passed the Rubicon when it comes to Democracy. They are complicit in the violence and the insurrection in a coup to overturn a free and fair election in order to keep an autocrat in power. That they will not impeach and hold Trump and his minions accountable is evident that they have no interest in ‘unity’. Democrats need to kill the filibuster, a Jim Crow relic, and drive full force up the center of the field and that’s the only sports metaphor I’ll ever use here.
Worldwide COVID cases: 100,584,555; Deaths: 2,166,299
US COVID cases: 25,504,894; Deaths: 426,907
Friday, 05-Feb-2021 16:52:05 UTC
My elderly mother had a chance to get the vaccine and she didn’t take it. I wish I could say I’m surprised—I am not. I made my argument time after time about this not only being about her but about everyone around her; she still didn’t go. There’s only so much I can do. It’s the same with voting; she’s a Republican but hasn’t voted in years and still defends the party and its values. It’s incomprehensible to me. She calls herself a Christian but what Christian can honestly support what Republicans represent. How can I relate one to the other? Easily—what this comes down to are principles. A comment I placed on a WaPo article this week: “The compassion and lack of empathy in these comments demonstrates what’s truly lacking in this country. For a country purportedly and mythically (per Republicans) centered around the Christian core edicts of pro-life, selflessness, and charity, these same people continually choose to embrace cruelty, avarice, and bigotry overriding any of the more benevolent convictions. WWJD has become WhatWouldTheRepublicanPartyDo. What they repeatedly and willfully fail to recognize is when you invest in the vulnerable and poor, you invest in yourself, your family, the country, and the world—in humanity. How is that complicated? The pros far outweigh any cons.” I’ve never really been able to talk to anyone in my family about…anything really. There was once a person but they became someone totally different in the last…oh, decade. I’m hoping someone else can reach them since I am unable to effectively. I fear Dems have shot themselves in the foot by means testing pandemic survival checks. This will come back to bite them during the midterms not to mention a lot of families are in dire need regardless of what they made in 2019. Allowing moderates and Republicans to nickel & dime them to death is the same ole same ole. Dems habitual shortage of abstract thinking enrages me each and every time and they do it constantly. It never fails. They never seem to means test tax cuts for billionaires and corporations. Manchin continuously pulls the party’s pants down around their ankles when they attempt to make a run towards progress.
My digestion problems continue. That I internalize my stress doesn’t really help.
Worldwide COVID cases: 105,048,430; Deaths: 2,288,655
US COVID cases: 26,691,738; Deaths: 456,295
Saturday, 06-Feb-21 17:14:15 UTC
I wanna state emphatically that I’m a secular humanist atheist. Religion does not have the monopoly on morality, especially Christianity. Some of the most barbaric acts recorded in the written history of humanity takes place in the name of the Abrahamic religions—Christianity in particular—and that’s not even including what’s written in the Christian King James Bible. I get tired and aggravated at having to address people on the precepts of their own religion when, as an atheist, I should really know better as experience has shown that tagging their twisted interpretations of morality or lack thereof with a religion is typical fascist fare. I try not to be myopic when dealing with Republicans and their so-called Evangelical Jesus Christianity and recall that this has been essential to their distorted underpinnings since Reagan—how they’ve systematically centered and perverted it into something malignant and ugly focalizing that worldview as the main and only worldview. I suppose it is the indoctrination I’ve been subject to since birth. It gets freaking annoying that sometimes I cannot seem to shake myself of it. It triggers something latent, especially when discussing family. It’s so freaking tedious. Establishing a worldwide coalition of compassionate empathetic individuals that truly believe in equality and fairness for all people in all things should always be the floor not the ceiling—can we, at least, agree and build on that while understanding that WE should mean freaking everyone and it has absolutely not.
Recommendation of today—Saving the House We Built: Critical Conversations on Contemporary Politics “UNC’s Department of African, African American, and Diaspora Studies hosted this discussion with presentations by UNC-Chapel Hill faculty members, Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottom, Prof. Erika Wilson, Dr. William Sturkey, and Dr. Sharon Holland. Co-moderated by Dr. Ronald Williams and Dr. Kia Caldwell.”
Worldwide COVID cases: 105,534,273; Deaths: 2,303,322
US COVID cases: 26,822,829; Deaths: 459,895
Wednesday, 17-Feb-21 11:56:37 UTC
I’m about 75% sure I had some form of the virus. Symptoms were pink eye and digestive issues. I still could have it. Both symptoms seem to be gradually curtailing. It wasn’t pleasant. I felt like I was rotting from the inside out; that my organs were expanding pressing on my ribcage. Like I wrote prior, I am also going through peri/menopause and that is and has been kicking my ass for what feels like forever. Peri/menopause is like detoxification from hormones and while that may sound mild, it is not—not for me. Basically at middle-age our bodies start decaying and we have to do everything in our power to keep it even mildly capable; cut back on unhealthy foods to none whatsoever, sleep is a priority, and exercise—you must get and move at least 45 minutes a day, every day. You may say ‘well, I do that already’—I did too, sis. Brutal. I started writing essays on what I was going through years ago. I’ll post them eventually. There is not much information out there about peri/menopause, especially medically and since I have no health insurance…well, sigh.
I went off on the Dems 13-FEB. I am not a Democrat or Republican; Republicans are racist and greedy and some are downright evil—there are very few actually good Republicans; Democrats are far too moderate and feckless for my tastes and often fail to make many compelling dynamic decisions while in power; and, I basically am not a joiner; I don’t like joining groups that conform and comply to a certain prevailing mindset without critical examination and while Democrats are better at it than Republicans, they still fail, lots. So, I’m an Independent or unaffiliated voter. I would join a Progressive party though. I cannot stand DJT—loathe him and his bootlicking bitches; he and the Republican party are a scourge on the US and the world and there was no way in hell that Republicans were ever going to vote for impeachment—they haven’t the moral capacity right now to save their mothers. Republicans have this distorted sense of loyalty over honor. I made that mistake before in the past where I chose loyalty to a friend over honor and it harmed other people; I won’t make that mistake again. Republicans have replaced any sense of virtue with an unhealthy perverted form of fealty to DJT—it is a cult, nothing more. Raskin, Plaskett and the Impeachment managers put together a brilliant case and then Democrats blew it in the end when, after getting a vote for witnesses, they decided to only read one statement into testimony. Man, I fumed—I am still outraged. Once again, Dems snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory, like so many of my fellow tweeters wrote. We were all just flabbergasted at that choice. It was the typical demonstration of the Democrats ability to choke while in power. Here’s hoping the NAACP et al can pick up the slack because DJT and his neo Nazis are already waiting on the sidelines getting ready for a comeback à la Hitler.
Worldwide COVID cases: 109,604,779; Deaths: 2,421,283
US COVID cases: 27,757,505; Deaths: 488,100
Friday, 26-Feb-21 13:11:42 UTC
I’ve been reading and writing and limiting Twitter. I needed another break from it. The older you get, you’ll realize that your time is precious and you wanna use it accordingly towards absolute hedonistic pleasures—I count reading and writing amongst those hedonistic pleasures. I do have a canvas on my easel that has been half-painted and sitting there for 1-2 years now that I’m starting to formulate the final image. I dunno if I can accomplish it, but I’ll give it a try if my paints are not all dried up by now. Art materials are expensive.
I was reading an opinion in WaPo on Hollywood and abortion: On TV, abortion is the road less traveled. Life’s not like that that really fired me up. I’m a semi-enthusiastic commenter on WaPo and do my best to be an objective opinionated one given that commenters are usually basically trolls and trash. WaPo’s commenters tend to be better than most, but still… My comment on this Kate Cohen opinion: Yes, this! Thank you for this. I thought it was just me that raged at Hollywood’s willfully obtuse refusal to progress. Hollywood still continues to be quite conservative—wealthy, white, heteronormative, and Christian. I’ve also noticed a sharp rise in nuanced anti-choice cultural content slipped casually into the mainstream. This latest surge in misogyny and racism has born a flood of anti-autonomy for women driven by those that want to strip us of reproductive freedoms—even of our birth control. Ever since Justice Ginsburg’s death and he who shall not be named, they are hell bent on relegating us to solely wife and breeder status (especially to LGTBQA+ or those that identify with non-binary) much more so than usual and they are getting more insidious about the ways at which they work to do exactly that. Hollywood rarely puts any radical thoughts behind the stories on women and the pregnancy/abortion choice because one, their writing and creative rooms are still run mostly by men who’ve got no clue besides the clean, uncluttered, less complicated either/or choice; and, two, that would hinder their overall social engineering propaganda angles, which—as I stated earlier—is still predominantly wealthy, white, heteronormative, and Christian. I’m sure when writers make an attempt to progress, they are shot down by network execs that don’t wanna deal with the rich conservatives that keep them in their luxurious lifestyles. I mean, to actually write a realistic storyline of a person reacting to a pregnancy along with the actual modern difficulties of it all: costs of student loans, housing, with no or little health care and that expense, daycare, the existential threat of climate change, fascism on the rise, and this is even if the person survives it medically given that maternal mortality rates are so high; no—the cost too high and then to ultimately decide to go get an abortion (if one can financially and legally) and not be bothered about it, but actually be relived of the burden while not be ostracized and shamed by utilizing that choice and being completely comfortable with it?? I would LOVE to see more stories like that and that’s just one of the many that we could tell.
I would never be hired for anything in Hollywood as I’m sure my opinions have and would piss off TPTB continually. I listened to Gabrielle Union on Hear to Slay with Roxane Gay and Tressie McMillan Cottom, which is, BTW, absolutely fabulous and so worth the annual fee: there are two seasons (74 episodes; 45m-1hr eps) worth of podcasts to go through plus new ones; Dr. Gay and Dr. McMillan Cottom are two sublimely empowered goddesses filled and radiating loads of wisdom and beauty that will lift you into the stratosphere along with them as well as all their guests (Stacey Abrams and Gabrielle Union so far); and, I really, really needed that boost—I cannot begin to explain to you how much the first couple of episodes have not only inspired me but educated me. Anywho, I listened to Gabrielle Union talk about Hollywood and I thought no fucking way would they EVER hire me for anything since I’m constantly dragging on Hollywood and all their inadequacies—and I’m not going to stop. Like Joe Biden and DC, Hollywood and their ilk has enough sycophants around them telling them what they wanna hear and I’m not one of them.
The weather is picking up finally. I went outside and walked the past few days. Today will be cold and rainy. When it is like that, I use my poor woman’s treadmill method of walking back and forth in the combined kitchen-living room: back and forth, back and forth, etc. for forty-five minutes. Normally, I love walking in the rain, but these past few years and especially around these parts, motorists are fucking crazy and will run over you without so much a care to see if you are alright or dead—they simply do not give a shit if they hit you.
Politics? Joe Manchin is not a Democrat and he shows who he is by throwing fits about women of color including Neera Tandem, Deb Haaland, VP Harris, and AOC—we see you, Joe; he’s pandering to his racist misogynistic base. With the minimum wage? Like AOC said, keeping the minimum wage low means they are legislating poverty and having the government subsidizing the employees of these big billion/trillion dollar corporations letting them off the hook once again; along with their large tax cuts, these corporations are killing us by exploiting their workers and shifting responsibility of their care to government, which is the exact opposite of what Republicans are supposedly supposed to be all about. Rich peepo double-dipping in their greed and power—who woulda thought. /sarcasm
We passed 500k deaths. Sigh.
Worldwide COVID cases: 113,097,790; Deaths: 2,509,666
US COVID cases: 28,413,746; Deaths: 508,314
Sunday, 07-Mar-21 15:40:59 UTC
I grew up around a cornucopia of women—white women. Yes, a bunch of Marjorie Taylor Greenes and Lauren Boeberts that tried to make me into a miniature-next gen model and version of them and almost succeeded, and at various times did, until I found my way out of that bag. I shudder thinking on it now. I finally had enough a few years ago choosing the nuclear option removing them from my life and have been perfectly and exquisitely content with putting those boundaries in place ever since—absolutely, positively no regrets on that score. I, alas, cannot do it for my mother—duty of care, and all that entails, like kindness, reverence, ethics, morality and such. We’ve always had a somewhat narrow relationship as it has been mostly inconsistent. She is oil—I am water; she is coal dust—I am air; she is a boomer—I’m a GenXer this side of a millennial in attitude and activities; she is an Aries—I am a Virgo Sun-Libra moon; I love the word FUCK and have no problem saying or writing it—she absolutely does not; she is a conservative Republican bordering Evangelical—I am a Progressive Democratic-Socialist this side of Marxism; I am a radical intersectional feminist—she is absolutely not; she is a Christian that reads only the Christian King James bible every morning that’s never in her life had any BIPOC friends or any friends period that’s not been her sisters, family or men she dated—I am a Secular Humanist Atheist that reads anything I can get my hands, eyes and ears on and had a Muslim Indonesian exchange student as a best friend in high school and loads of BIPOC boyfriends and girlfriends and best friends of all different faiths and cultures in my life at all times; she is heteronormative—I am…not, occasionally; she is a cisgender woman—I identify as woman/she/her/they and am proudly such but fought my entirely life against being gendered; I am a proud member of and support LGBTQA+—she absolutely does not and we never, ever talk about that; she is extremely chaste on this side of being a severe prude about sex and nudity—I run and have always ran around baring my body in my panties, bikinis, shorts, short skirts, etc. out in the open, with the blinds open, whatever and take my clothes off in front of whoever when needed and am not prim nor modest and never have been; I glory in my body no matter how pale and stickly thin or chubby with many rolls I obtain and I love sex and masturbation and have had many orgasms and speak freely about it all—my mom hates her body, keeps it covered and has sadly never had an orgasm and does not like to talk about any of it; she doesn’t speak her mind and keeps everything inside unless prodded, who relishes being uninformed and uninvolved with no curiosity or interests other than NASCAR, sports, and puzzles/games/casinos—I am authentically honest and an emotionally passionate philosopher, artist and lifelong learner with an intense curiosity about anything and everything; we’re both kind ambiverts, but she is nice—I am misanthropically kind and have good manners, to a point; she talks a lot and uses surrogates to vent—I’m a curious listener that asks pointed questions and refrains from speaking unnecessarily and finds it tedious when others waste words; I’m a lifelong activist—she is absolutely not and takes pride in being uninvolved and uniformed; and finally, she’s narcissistic from an entirely family of such—I am mostly, definitely not, but perhaps a little; aren’t we all a tad on that narcissistic spectrum? We rarely talk about religion and politics anymore; she is prickly and condescending telling me I’m intolerant of her intolerance (I’m paraphrasing) while walking away from my simple unemotional questions rolling her eyes saying ‘god, help me’ towards my intolerance and ignorant questions. It is all rather amusing—but not really. It has always—always been tedious and hypocritical and all those heavy emotions and the ego that I’ve booted to communicate better and share knowledge with her and the rest. We do share a sense of adventure and a love of music in different ways; whereas I have and will get on a plane to anywhere by myself as long as I have camera, money and passport (she’s never had a passport), she will get in the car and drive; whereas I have eclectic musical tastes of all genres, she tends to stick to country, gospel, bluegrass, and 50-60s music. We’re both independent; me extremely so and far more than she. So, do we get along? More often than not lately if we avoid the potholes. I will forever be thankful for her assistance these past few years and being who she is has made me who I am so there’s that. *shrugs*
We’ll get survival deposits soon from the Biden pandemic relief bill. Yay?
Worldwide COVID cases: 116,662,534; Deaths: 2,590,656
US COVID cases: 28,960,271; Deaths: 524,541
Tuesday, 09-Mar-21 16:50:37 UTC
Me: Have some patience; some of us are slow learners.
Him: You’ve been learning for hundreds of years.
Me: I am not hundreds of years old.
Worldwide COVID cases: 117,286,481; Deaths: 2,602,922
US COVID cases: 29,043,715; Deaths: 524,001 (I must’ve made a mistake with the last count; apologies)
Friday, 19-Mar-21 13:42:16 UTC
Sending love to our AAPI brothers and sisters. As soon as I write that I have hope and that those ugly fuckers have become a little less potent, they strike. The racism and toxic masculinity in this country will kill us all—white men are a danger to every last one of us if they don’t get their shit together; if you cannot see this, you are a part of the problem.
I’m still struggling with my writing. I’ve almost completed one chapter and have been formulating, in my thoughts, another two chapters of each of my stories ongoing. I’ve been craving a mental, inspirational and empowering refresh, like a visit to a museum—I LOVE MUSEUMS!—or a trip to the beach. I have just enough mental and emotional energy to push out one review and maybe a diary post. The mental and emotional exhaustion of politics and the pandemic pushes me into police and protect mode and I struggle to pull myself from it—so many peeeees! As I was writing in the above review about knowing and figuring out my limitations and boundaries, I also struggle with challenging myself to do the simplest things in this mode. I’ll probably write more on that in a future review. Those reviews have become an examination of not only the book, but how I relate to that book and if it helped me when I read it. I’m sure if there are any readers, they’re like hurry up and review the damn book—kind of like when you look up a recipe and the author of such is going on and on with a story before getting to the actual recipe.
I told my mum that I missed going to museums and she couldn’t relate to that as she has no interest whatsoever in anything like that. I explained to her that when I frequented DC for work, I used to go to the museums and sit in front of one exhibit for an hour or more just thinking of it or writing or sketching—she found this bizarre. There never was any curiosity or creative thinking in my household growing up, from any of my family really—I had to gather my own. I shudder to think of it now as I would never subject a child to such emptiness. Fortunately, I had that mountain. I rarely had any books as I had to beg to be taken to the local library and that trip was a rare one.
I wanna scream at Republicans, especially Republican governors, to take care of their peoples. Their selfish and malicious form of government service is harming their people and, as such, our people. How can they not see this—because they really don’t wanna see it. How can you not invest in humanity? We’re not enslaved to their needs or their whims; we are all supposed to be invested in each other to survive. If there is no us, there is no you—how is that hard to grasp. Investing in people is investing in humanity. And to think I’m the misanthropic one. 🙄
My COVID symptoms seemed to have dissipated—they are on and off. Suffering from perimenopause has me perplexed as to what is what. I guess that is the brain fog too. Internalizing my stress already had me suffering from digestive issues on/off most of my life; perimenopause on top of that has confounded those issues; add the COVID and, well, sigh. For a period of time, I was using collagen powders in smoothies and coffee and tea mostly for my joints; since I hit 40, my joints have been creaky and loud and annoying and discomforting; I was an on/off athlete till my thirties and went caving a lot then (spelunking; yes, with actual caving gear) and if there is one thing that you do a lot of in caving is crawl/kneel/etc and it is hell on your joints; that and gaining/losing weight. I stopped using the powder when it became apparent that something with my digestion was painfully wrong. I used a bit in my coffee yesterday and nothing bad happened. Yay.
I do not have a copy editor for my work. What you see on this blog is all mine so there will be mistakes—grammar, spelling, ignorance, etc.—and I own it all; and also, I occasionally go back to edit. It never fails when you go over a piece thirty times and as soon as you hit the post/email button, you find at least one error.
I miss my friends in Raleigh. When I stopped by here in this totally new city and a different part of the state, I didn’t think I would be staying, then my gramma had a stroke and she lingered; then I stuck around for my mum…I haven’t really made any friends here and it is kind of isolating—so, I miss my peoples. If I’m going to stick around, I need to find me some new peoples. I’ve never really had a problem with
makingmeeting new peoples since I’ve been bounced around a lot from a very young age and I’m a natural introvert/ambivert. It does get somewhat difficult as you get older—I’m childless and partnerless and that tends to make things a bit more challenging, not to mention this is a total red zone politically.
Worldwide COVID cases: 121,920,491; Deaths: 2,693,410
US COVID cases: 29,668,173; Deaths: 539,703
Monday, 22-Mar-21 17:41:25 UTC
Struggling to consistently have the grace to be a better person in this kind of environment is most difficult. I won’t constantly have it—no one will. I can be as petty and pissy as the next person. Cruelty and bullies and all of the isms enrage me and I’m really not sure if we’re supposed to have grace against such acts. I have bad days just like y’all do. If one was raised by lots of emotionally stunted narcissists with no boundaries, compounded onto lots of other issues, it’s a struggle. If warranted, I’ll own it, make apologies and promise to do better next time. If not and you don’t deserve the finesse of my grace, boundaries and attitude will be established—that’s if you’re lucky. Respect is reciprocal and if you don’t afford it to me or the marginalized and most vulnerable then you damn well are not getting it from me.
I’ve never had that much melanin. I was an extremely pale, toe-headed child till I got my period around the age of eleven, then my hair went from white to wheat to dark blonde, and as dark as brown and dark brown in some parts. Since then, I’ve played around with lots of different colors from blue to pink to green to to black to orange (the orange and green not purposely). My maternal gramma and mom both went white-headed by the age of sixty. With me, there were the occasional grey hairs beginning at forty-five; at fifty, there are the occasional white hairs, in my eyebrows—I found one in my eyelashes though and I didn’t even know that was a thing that could happen. As a woman grows older and starts to experience age, she is supposed to have a sort of refinement and poise and an automatic acceptance surrounding all that—why? Can we not have some emotions and vanity ever about our looks, or are we gonna label it ageism and sexism and anti-feminist if we do? Is it okay if I cry and whine about my sagging ass, white hairs and wrinkles? Since I’ve had a lot of different hair colors, I’ve decided that once I go all white, I’ll probably do lavender, lilac or ice blue, or some other cool pastel color—and when I say ‘cool’, I mean temperature; I can only do cool or neutral tones; warm colors do not look good on me. White eyelashes though! I don’t even know how to process that—yet. Woo. For now, I’m sticking with the dark blonde and doing the occasional touch-up, and bite me if y’all have a problem with it.
How does a billionaire not pay for a pal’s surgery then appeal to others for that money? How does that even compute—emotionally, mentally, ethically? I suppose that’s how those types keep all their capital by pushing expenses off onto others with less. Typical.
Well, we’re going to be in pandemic lockdown till 2025 it appears. Spring breakers are going crazy in Florida in a pandemic and people are blaming their parents, like parents have any control of their adult-aged kids. I dunno why we have a tendency to infantilize adult-aged college students. I didn’t go to college till later in my twenties and thirties and I can assure you that when I did something wrong from the age of eighteen to twenty-two as a working-class adult, folks were not blaming my parents—I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Is that classism at play? Being labeled a student doesn’t automatically make one a minor and the responsibility of a parent. Are we talking parental responsibilities after a certain age and does that conversation evolve to at what age does that adult child take responsibility for their own actions. If a parent is still held responsible for their adult-aged children, is that enabling or bad parenting? As a parent, there has to be a line, right? One could argue that all parents should accept some responsibilities for the actions of their children for the rest of their lives because as a parent, that is what happens when you sign up for that gig—permanent responsibility for raising and educating that person into society, but at what point do they cut the chord. It seems to get older and older for some and vary from class to race to gender too so… What do I know though, I’m not a parent and certainly didn’t have any good role models. *shrugs*
Worldwide COVID cases: 123,386,930; Deaths: 2,718,137
US COVID cases: 29,823,323; Deaths: 542,393
Wednesday, 31-Mar-21 13:14:46 UTC
Things I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older are that young people and the American culture are incredibly ageist. You can chew on that as long as you like—it is an unequivocal truth. The disrespect shown to older people in this country is shameful and an embarrassment. Compound that onto racism and sexism and it is an ugly reality that not many acknowledge.
This Robbie Shilliam, “Decolonizing Politics: An Introduction” podcast is excellent and a must listen. It’s behind the Luminary paywall. I did a search and it appears to be available for free or other mediums. The book is $52 so that is a non-starter for me since that’s dinner for 2-4 weeks depending on what we eat.
‘Cutting the chord’ on cable television, so to speak, is a class issue as I recall distinctly how much cable was, how manipulative the cable companies were about automatically charging you an extra month on your credit card if you had to cancel; as well as the time and hassle it was to take a day off work to go to the cable company and wait in line forever. Also, the premium channels were harder to subscribe to and there were usually additional charges beyond the monthly regular premium fees, in addition to the cable boxes that you had to replace occasionally taking more time out of your life/work. Someone stole my mom’s cable box and they charged her $600 for it, which she never paid and they put it on her credit record. $170 for broadband and a bunch of channels I never watched and so many commercials. No, thank you—I’m perfectly content in having my six premium channels that I can cancel when I want without the burden and hassle of dealing with a greedy, manipulative, autocratic cable company or their burdensome equipment.
I spent this past week watching the DC universe movies—ending with Zack Snyder’s Justice League. I loved them all. I’m not sure what the problem with Ben Affleck was as Batman; he did a good job. I have a crush on Margot, Gal and Henry. Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn and Viola Davis’ performances as Amanda Waller are excellent. The DC women vs the Marvel women…🤔Having just watched Elizabeth Olsen in WandaVision—excellent show—I wouldn’t choose a side as both excel in their roles. I started to do reviews; they may eventually get published—or maybe not; I need to focus on my fictional writing.
I watched the movie In Time for the first time ever. Wow. I’m not sure how I could’ve missed it, but it is an excellent movie and incredibly spot on.
Worldwide COVID cases: 128,301,662; Deaths: 2,806,679
US COVID cases: 30,394,810; Deaths: 551,005
Saturday, 10-Apr-21 10:25:50 UTC
With the onset of Spring, the colors vibrant and the pollen in the South hazy, heavy and overwhelming, I long for the mountains and the peacefulness of sitting outside under the sun in the shade reading a book for long periods, occasionally drifting in and out of sleep while the wildlife runs free around me. That or the solitude of an ocean cliff perched high above, the sounds of water beating against the rocks below. The seagulls crying distant against the wind.
With certain authors, a reader needs to get into an established mindset in order to interpret their words. I sometimes start a book then put it away because I’m not capable of appreciating their work at that moment and wouldn’t want to dishonor the experience by not being totally present. The same can be said for any creative work really that I want to give my full attention to but cannot presently, and right now there is much I cannot give my full attention to. I simply don’t have the energy or the patience. Little is left that can be said. Even less to be written.
Worldwide COVID cases: 134,719,328; Deaths: 2,915,972
US COVID cases: 31,085,251; Deaths: 561,074
Tuesday, 20-Apr-21 16:11:26 UTC
I haven’t received the vaccine yet. Should be getting it soon. Hopefully.
In my thirty plus years of employment experience working for men, they resented me offering any sort of advice or procedural input, oftentimes to the detriment of their own business. I am stereotyped as the ditzy blonde college dropout that should stay home and be a wife and have babies; and now that I’m past the having babies age, the dismissal is even more rude and disrespectful. I realize this happens to women all the time; it still doesn’t make it any less infuriating. In the past, I would’ve thrown a fit and confronted that disrespect, to no avail; now I just dismiss it with a shrug—I no longer carry those burdens for people and don’t have the energy to bother with it; I do my job to the best of my ability; beyond that, I have nothing else to give; if they feel their ego is more important than their need to improve their business, there is nothing I can do for them beyond the standard. Those overburdened with a particular heavy workload in a disorganized chaotic uncommunicative mess of a business that use women like me as a conduit talking through them to other men in management, fail at leadership when they do not listen to the procedural inputs of all their employees, failing to trust those employees and their experiences; they read the input as blame and criticism in their inability to do their own job, when it is anything but. They resent the tweaking of their pride by this female blonde subordinate that should really just accept all procedural mistakes as her own, apologize, and shut up—a flat, cardboard cutout and automaton with no personality or commentary whatsoever. They scold and censure refusing to listen and understand and search for ways to improve. The need to treat their own processes and the software surrounding such as infallible when experience says otherwise illustrates more leadership failures, but whatever; what would I know—
Episode 1-37 of Hear to Slay is…woo! Differing desires and attractions—I relate. I have all kinds of attractions to all types not just because of a physical attraction, but also, an attraction to their intelligence or passion or a quirk I find oddly fascinating and endearing. I’ve caught lots of hell over the years for my odd attractions. Also, y’all said Joe wouldn’t win and here we are—in the words of 45, it is what it is, I s’pose.
Behind her Eyes on Netflix is a stunner. Space Sweepers is fun and The Invisible Man is triggering but ultimately satisfying.
Worldwide COVID cases: 142,252,661; Deaths: 3,033,225
US COVID cases: 31,741,301; Deaths: 567,759
Thursday, 06-May-21 14:05:09 UTC
I’ve always been overly attuned to my body—a hypersensitive awareness to the changes, feeling the transformations as they happened. Even as a kid as I grew heads taller than my classmates, I felt it happening, gravity stretching and pulling me like taffy; a living, breathing Stretch Armstrong in the making.
When I started my period at the age of eleven, I felt the bloat and snap of pain even more so. I was never diagnosed with endometriosis; the doctors kept casually dismissing me saying birth control would eventually help ease that, and it did, to a point. When I gain weight, I feel it in my joints as if the cogs on the gear are dry and creaking, stretching and pulling and grinding along rusted edges during each slight movement; sometimes so uncomfortably I almost could hear the actual grating of bones and muscles and tendons, and now literally can. As a woman, I was continually told that I was imagining it, oftentimes laughing off my descriptions as ridiculous. I have a high tolerance for pain and learned early as a kid that no one was interested in the imaginative workings of my body, so I eventually kept it to myself, avoiding that pointed look of ridicule and laughter that accompanied the vivid details.
The first feelings of menopause began in my gut with gluten sensitivity. It was sharp and penetrating and I felt it in every inch of my intestines, colon and gallbladder. I internalize stress in my gut and it resonates through every nerve ending. I recall remarking to a Cisgendered woman—a person who had physically born her many children—that my difficult menopause could be my body punishing me for never having kids; the woman agreed with that statement almost too eagerly and joyously, sneeringly so. I was shocked and realized what I said from her response thinking how punishingly patriarchal and misogynist I sounded to my own ears and how gleeful she responded to my pain. Perhaps I should be even more thankful and contented I didn’t have children because it probably would’ve done the exact opposite and killed me.
April and October—the change of seasons—are especially painful during menopause. The detox of hormones is so excruciating, I cannot tell if I’m infected with covid, dying of cancer or simply menopausal—maybe all three? The symptoms are so vast and I’m so incredibly ignorant of the scope and reach of it all, I’m ashamed and furious and embarrassed and outraged that none of this was ever foretold to me; that I wasn’t taught this along side mensuration; that there isn’t health care specifically for me. Then there wouldn’t be because I make less than $12k a year; to make more I would have to work more and I cannot; the brain fog is dense at times and debilitating; the exhaustion even more so.
In the U.S. the internet has limited coverage on menopause. I get most of my menopause information from the UK; here, in the States, all I hear about are hot flashes and no periods. No, my hot flashes and periods are like the rest of my body—abnormal. My spine radiates heat and I’m reminded of the cylon sex scenes in BSG and wondering if it glows red. My arms, legs, fingers and toes tingle and spark like they’ve been long asleep. My clitoris is as fickle as the Spring weather—one minute sensitive, craving tap or stroke; the next dead and flapping in the breeze like a lobule. My orgasms—that have long been wonderful, powerful toe-curling acts of stress-relief I’ve enjoyed almost nightly—are now as occasionally rare and bland as my diet and sometimes followed by a dull throbbing ache of pain centered around my clitoris. My period still arrives; this last month for four weeks. Using tampons have become somewhat uncomfortable as my vagina starts to dry. I was always wet, excessively so and have had only one yeast infection in my entire life; I had another recently that evidently went to my gut. In reducing the amount of estragon and progesterone, the digestive tract fails to create a healthy microbiome thus creating infections and all kinds of problems; probiotics are now my thing and I’m looking into vaginal probiotics, which I didn’t even know was a thing. There is morning sickness, sensitive teeth and gums and skin, tinnitus, aching breasts and body, insomnia, headaches, acne, depression, etc. Sunshine, exercise (walking/yoga), sleep/naps, limiting news and negatives, massaging my body (what I wouldn’t give for a daily deep tissue massage), green tea, oatmeal, cinnamon, turmeric, red cabbage, avocados, yogurt, kale, spinach, berries, beans, cilantro, thyme and other spices are positives.
No vaccination, yet. I now have to wait till my immune system reboots—if it ever does.
The only thing I can think of is I’m young, and if I make it through this alive…well, I don’t even know—I do really, really miss bread even more than my toe-curling orgasms.
Worldwide COVID cases: 155,353,083; Deaths: 3,245,391
US COVID cases: 32,562,841; Deaths: 579,358
Saturday, 08-May-21 13:31:08 UTC
Sending peace, love and good health to our brothers and sisters in India.
Worldwide COVID cases: 157,010,178; Deaths: 3,272,898
US COVID cases: 32,6532,055; Deaths: 580,905
Thursday, 27-May-21 18:52:59 UTC
First dose administered.
Worldwide COVID cases: 168,580,738; Deaths: 3,502,128
US COVID cases: 33,201,833; Deaths: 592,654
Saturday, 05-Jun-21 13:51:30 UTC
This will be my last post to this thread, maybe, unless I feel like another post—although, I do not believe that the pandemic is over; I believe we have yet to experience the end of pandemic malaise, especially here in the states. Given the level of stupidity and hubris, it seems unlikely that we will ever have a healthy future after the past few years. As a society, we are diseased, inflicted with a ugly bigoted pathos that we cannot seem to eliminate. I have little hope.
My first dose of Moderna was on Thursday, 27-May at noonish at a drug store down the road from where I live. The pharmacy tech delivered the shot into my left arm so skillfully I didn’t feel it at all. She was white, middle-aged, blond, tall and appeared strong and sturdy. She was nice and not very talkative, which I could relate—I never spoke much at work either. I was my usual self—direct, genuine, curious, and friendly, but not overly so.
There is a blond color that can immediately be recognized as a box color—a sort of yellowish, hasty tint that leaves the hair looking stringy and lackluster that comes off garishly quick and easy. I write this not in censure because I, dear reader, suffered the same fate when I tried that grotesque blond box color for a time and while it could be appealing to some, it has aged into a stereotyped unattractive pandering towards whiteness. I try not to think about it as such, but given images like we’ve seen at the various he-that-shall-not-be-named rallies and riots, I immediately think of those types and their bigotries and fanaticism.
When she asked me if I had any chronic health issues, I said no, unless peri/menopause counted—it is a beast, I told her. She grinned. When she asked me if I had health insurance, I laughed and said hardly and no—I sensed that this seemed to vex her, but she entered it into her computer without comment. Like many times prior when I found myself unknowingly provoking someone with my genuine directness, I didn’t really think about any of this at the time as I was a bit on edge; although, I’ve been going over it in my head since and belatedly recognized the inadvertent microaggressions that she unwittingly—or wittingly—threw my way.
While I was waiting—and I waited for a good 10-15 minutes before being called in to get the shot by the same woman—another younger person showed up to get the shot and was told that he would have to come back around 5ish to schedule for another day. They didn’t seem to be busy as I was the only one there, but I had no clue what was going on behind the scenes. Everyone in the pharmacy office that I could see was wearing masks, except the blond woman.
When she gave me the shot, I congratulated her on her talented needle technique. I also asked if she had any personal recommendations for peri/menopause symptoms or remedies—she physically flinched and grimaced. I didn’t think to add that I meant no disrespect because I had not. It occurred to me that she may have felt insulted that I automatically assumed she was of the age that could be peri/menopausal when I was not really thinking of age one way or the other. Personal ancestral and cultural knowledge of peri/menopausal symptoms and remedies is apparently how women share that knowledge so I was only seeking that information through her as a means of personal needs and curiosities; it certainly wasn’t mean to denigrate or compete or shame her in any way and yet, she automatically assumed it was. She mentioned what I have come to expect—something about hot flashes; I tried not to roll my eyes because I have heard more than enough about hot flashes; what I don’t hear about are all the other symptoms; the ones no one talks about because this odious culture has so stigmatized age and peri/menopause like all the other natural but socially shameful women’s curses thanks to the zealots and prudes. She told me to ask the pharmacist and said please wait 15 minutes to see if you have any allergic reaction, though even if I did have an allergic reaction, I wasn’t so sure I would get any help from her, but that is presuming far too much. I didn’t ask the pharmacist about peri/menopause because she appeared busy and I was more than likely going to get the standard 101 about hot flashes. Listen, people with uteri and ovaries and such that will eventually get to that peri/menopausal stage—hot flashes are the least of your worries.
I opened my Kindle and read for 15 minutes then I went home back to work. I walked my usual 45 minutes and lifted some hand weights. Within an hour, I immediately felt better—my digestion no longer had that sharp pain, specifically my back, upper-right side; my breathing improved; and my joints stopped aching, to a point, and my brain seemed to defog. So, I did have Covid long haul symptoms. Within five hours, I was extremely tired. The following day, my left arm hurt, like when you do far too many sets with weights and regret it. By Tuesday, I had a fairly bad case of pink eye in my left eye and a mild fever, but nothing I could not handle given what I had endured prior. I looked on Twitter to see if anyone else documented that symptom—only few people remarked on it and I wondered if they were bots or covid-hoaxers. I went to the CDC to check and it told me to report it to my primary healthcare physician in which I promptly started screaming in frustration. So, I’m placing it here for posterity and in case something else happens.
How did I get Covid? Well, after I tried to protect my 70+ year old mother from getting it, she gave it to me courteous of our family—don’t get me started on that characteristically symbolic gesture of love I have so often received from all of them. She has yet to get the vaccine. After repeatedly asking her to and then ultimately telling her I believed in her and had faith in her that she would get it, she has scheduled her first dose—Yay. I think she was just tired of wearing her mask when everyone else was not. That and me telling her constantly that she was an asymptomatic carrier and she was hurting people and I don’t think she wants to hurt people. She told me that a couple of her sisters have refused the vaccine and don’t wear their masks—lemme tell you how shocked I was at that, though, not really; stupidity and arrogance and all. I ceased to be surprised so long ago of the depths of depravity some people display in all their megalomaniacal hubris and apathy.
My next dose is 24-June. Two weeks after that the first thing I will do is get an eye exam, new glasses and a hair cut. I have no desire to mingle with people yet, especially in crowds. I really never had a desire to do that.
I painted over the last. I needed it to be like the blood-red, puss-oozing scab that 2020 was given that would be its title. I’m almost finished. That photo is a bit over exposed.
Worldwide COVID cases: 172,678,875; Deaths: 3,714,610
US COVID cases: 33,349,058; Deaths: 597,082
© 2021 Matilda London/Pamela Gay Mullins