In response to a Book Riot and Out of the Box essay on documenting the personal experiences of the pandemic, this timeline will also be in correlation to the new Biden-Harris administration and the continued malfeasance and autocratic menace of the Trump-Republican fascists. Any and all essays on the subjects will be posted here as links.
Wednesday, 20-Jan-21 12:27:30 UTC
🎵 It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new diary…for me, and I’m feeling good 🎵
Happy Inauguration Day!
Worldwide COVID cases: 96,269,168; Deaths: 2,059,772
US COVID cases: 24,254,283; Deaths: 401,777
Wednesday, 27-Jan-21 18:55:38 UTC
For a couple of weeks, my organs felt like they were expanding, pressing on my ribcage. It was very uncomfortable. I had some significant digestive issues. I’m unsure if it was covid. I’m going through perimenopause so my whole system has been imbalanced on and off for a few years now. I have no healthcare so I have to be my own health detective and find what’s wrong when something odd or painful is happening. So, you can imagine how confused and paranoid I get when something like this is happening during a pandemic. I also thought I had breast cancer—I still could, but since I don’t have healthcare and in the middle of a pandemic, what exactly am I supposed to do about it?
Republicans have gone passed the Rubicon when it comes to Democracy. They are complicit in the violence and the insurrection in a coup to overturn a free and fair election in order to keep an autocrat in power. That they will not impeach and hold Trump and his minions accountable is evident that they have no interest in ‘unity’. Democrats need to kill the filibuster, a Jim Crow relic, and drive full force up the center of the field and that’s the only sports metaphor I’ll ever use here.
Worldwide COVID cases: 100,584,555; Deaths: 2,166,299
US COVID cases: 25,504,894; Deaths: 426,907
Friday, 05-Feb-2021 16:52:05 UTC
My elderly mother had a chance to get the vaccine and she didn’t take it. I wish I could say I’m surprised—I am not. I made my argument time after time about this not only being about her but about everyone around her; she still didn’t go. There’s only so much I can do. It’s the same with voting; she’s a Republican but hasn’t voted in years and still defends the party and its values. It’s incomprehensible to me. She calls herself a Christian but what Christian can honestly support what Republicans represent. How can I relate one to the other? Easily—what this comes down to are principles. A comment I placed on a WaPo article this week: “The compassion and lack of empathy in these comments demonstrates what’s truly lacking in this country. For a country purportedly and mythically (per Republicans) centered around the Christian core edicts of pro-life, selflessness, and charity, these same people continually choose to embrace cruelty, avarice, and bigotry overriding any of the more benevolent convictions. WWJD has become WhatWouldTheRepublicanPartyDo. What they repeatedly and willfully fail to recognize is when you invest in the vulnerable and poor, you invest in yourself, your family, the country, and the world—in humanity. How is that complicated? The pros far outweigh any cons.” I’ve never really been able to talk to anyone in my family about…anything really. There was once a person but they became someone totally different in the last…oh, decade. I’m hoping someone else can reach them since I am unable to effectively. I fear Dems have shot themselves in the foot by means testing pandemic survival checks. This will come back to bite them during the midterms not to mention a lot of families are in dire need regardless of what they made in 2019. Allowing moderates and Republicans to nickel & dime them to death is the same ole same ole. Dems habitual shortage of abstract thinking enrages me each and every time and they do it constantly. It never fails. They never seem to means test tax cuts for billionaires and corporations. Manchin continuously pulls the party’s pants down around their ankles when they attempt to make a run towards progress.
My digestion problems continue. That I internalize my stress doesn’t really help.
Worldwide COVID cases: 105,048,430; Deaths: 2,288,655
US COVID cases: 26,691,738; Deaths: 456,295
Saturday, 06-Feb-21 17:14:15 UTC
I wanna state emphatically that I’m a secular humanist atheist. Religion does not have the monopoly on morality, especially Christianity. Some of the most barbaric acts recorded in the written history of humanity takes place in the name of the Abrahamic religions—Christianity in particular—and that’s not even including what’s written in the Christian King James Bible. I get tired and aggravated at having to address people on the precepts of their own religion when, as an atheist, I should really know better as experience has shown that tagging their twisted interpretations of morality or lack thereof with a religion is typical fascist fare. I try not to be myopic when dealing with Republicans and their so-called Evangelical Jesus Christianity and recall that this has been essential to their distorted underpinnings since Reagan—how they’ve systematically centered and perverted it into something malignant and ugly focalizing that worldview as the main and only worldview. I suppose it is the indoctrination I’ve been subject to since birth. It gets freaking annoying that sometimes I cannot seem to shake myself of it. It triggers something latent, especially when discussing family. It’s so freaking tedious. Establishing a worldwide coalition of compassionate empathetic individuals that truly believe in equality and fairness for all people in all things should always be the floor not the ceiling—can we, at least, agree and build on that while understanding that WE should mean freaking everyone and it has absolutely not.
Recommendation of today—Saving the House We Built: Critical Conversations on Contemporary Politics “UNC’s Department of African, African American, and Diaspora Studies hosted this discussion with presentations by UNC-Chapel Hill faculty members, Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottom, Prof. Erika Wilson, Dr. William Sturkey, and Dr. Sharon Holland. Co-moderated by Dr. Ronald Williams and Dr. Kia Caldwell.”
Worldwide COVID cases: 105,534,273; Deaths: 2,303,322
US COVID cases: 26,822,829; Deaths: 459,895
Wednesday, 17-Feb-21 11:56:37 UTC
I’m about 75% sure I had some form of the virus. Symptoms were pink eye and digestive issues. I still could have it. Both symptoms seem to be gradually curtailing. It wasn’t pleasant. I felt like I was rotting from the inside out; that my organs were expanding pressing on my ribcage. Like I wrote prior, I am also going through peri/menopause and that is and has been kicking my ass for what feels like forever. Peri/menopause is like detoxification from hormones and while that may sound mild, it is not—not for me. Basically at middle-age our bodies start decaying and we have to do everything in our power to keep it even mildly capable; cut back on unhealthy foods to none whatsoever, sleep is a priority, and exercise—you must get and move at least 45 minutes a day, every day. You may say ‘well, I do that already’—I did too, sis. Brutal. I started writing essays on what I was going through years ago. I’ll post them eventually. There is not much information out there about peri/menopause, especially medically and since I have no health insurance…well, sigh.
I went off on the Dems 13-FEB. I am not a Democrat or Republican; Republicans are racist and greedy and some are downright evil—there are very few actually good Republicans; Democrats are far too moderate and feckless for my tastes and often fail to make many compelling dynamic decisions while in power; and, I basically am not a joiner; I don’t like joining groups that conform and comply to a certain prevailing mindset without critical examination and while Democrats are better at it than Republicans, they still fail, lots. So, I’m an Independent or unaffiliated voter. I would join a Progressive party though. I cannot stand DJT—loathe him and his bootlicking bitches; he and the Republican party are a scourge on the US and the world and there was no way in hell that Republicans were ever going to vote for impeachment—they haven’t the moral capacity right now to save their mothers. Republicans have this distorted sense of loyalty over honor. I made that mistake before in the past where I chose loyalty to a friend over honor and it harmed other people; I won’t make that mistake again. Republicans have replaced any sense of virtue with an unhealthy perverted form of fealty to DJT—it is a cult, nothing more. Raskin, Plaskett and the Impeachment managers put together a brilliant case and then Democrats blew it in the end when, after getting a vote for witnesses, they decided to only read one statement into testimony. Man, I fumed—I am still outraged. Once again, Dems snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory, like so many of my fellow tweeters wrote. We were all just flabbergasted at that choice. It was the typical demonstration of the Democrats ability to choke while in power. Here’s hoping the NAACP et al can pick up the slack because DJT and his neo Nazis are already waiting on the sidelines getting ready for a comeback à la Hitler.
Worldwide COVID cases: 109,604,779; Deaths: 2,421,283
US COVID cases: 27,757,505; Deaths: 488,100
Friday, 26-Feb-21 13:11:42 UTC
I’ve been reading and writing and limiting Twitter. I needed another break from it. The older you get, you’ll realize that your time is precious and you wanna use it accordingly towards absolute hedonistic pleasures—I count reading and writing amongst those hedonistic pleasures. I do have a canvas on my easel that has been half-painted and sitting there for 1-2 years now that I’m starting to formulate the final image. I dunno if I can accomplish it, but I’ll give it a try if my paints are not all dried up by now. Art materials are expensive.
I was reading an opinion in WaPo on Hollywood and abortion: On TV, abortion is the road less traveled. Life’s not like that that really fired me up. I’m a semi-enthusiastic commenter on WaPo and do my best to be an objective opinionated one given that commenters are usually basically trolls and trash. WaPo’s commenters tend to be better than most, but still… My comment on this Kate Cohen opinion: Yes, this! Thank you for this. I thought it was just me that raged at Hollywood’s willfully obtuse refusal to progress. Hollywood still continues to be quite conservative—wealthy, white, heteronormative, and Christian. I’ve also noticed a sharp rise in nuanced anti-choice cultural content slipped casually into the mainstream. This latest surge in misogyny and racism has born a flood of anti-autonomy for women driven by those that want to strip us of reproductive freedoms—even of our birth control. Ever since Justice Ginsburg’s death and he who shall not be named, they are hell bent on relegating us to solely wife and breeder status (especially to LGTBQA+ or those that identify with non-binary) much more so than usual and they are getting more insidious about the ways at which they work to do exactly that. Hollywood rarely puts any radical thoughts behind the stories on women and the pregnancy/abortion choice because one, their writing and creative rooms are still run mostly by men who’ve got no clue besides the clean, uncluttered, less complicated either/or choice; and, two, that would hinder their overall social engineering propaganda angles, which—as I stated earlier—is still predominantly wealthy, white, heteronormative, and Christian. I’m sure when writers make an attempt to progress, they are shot down by network execs that don’t wanna deal with the rich conservatives that keep them in their luxurious lifestyles. I mean, to actually write a realistic storyline of a person reacting to a pregnancy along with the actual modern difficulties of it all: costs of student loans, housing, with no or little health care and that expense, daycare, the existential threat of climate change, fascism on the rise, and this is even if the person survives it medically given that maternal mortality rates are so high; no—the cost too high and then to ultimately decide to go get an abortion (if one can financially and legally) and not be bothered about it, but actually be relived of the burden while not be ostracized and shamed by utilizing that choice and being completely comfortable with it?? I would LOVE to see more stories like that and that’s just one of the many that we could tell.
I would never be hired for anything in Hollywood as I’m sure my opinions have and would piss off TPTB continually. I listened to Gabrielle Union on Hear to Slay with Roxane Gay and Tressie McMillan Cottom, which is, BTW, absolutely fabulous and so worth the annual fee: there are two seasons (74 episodes; 45m-1hr eps) worth of podcasts to go through plus new ones; Dr. Gay and Dr. McMillan Cottom are two sublimely empowered goddesses filled and radiating loads of wisdom and beauty that will lift you into the stratosphere along with them as well as all their guests (Stacey Abrams and Gabrielle Union so far); and, I really, really needed that boost—I cannot begin to explain to you how much the first couple of episodes have not only inspired me but educated me. Anywho, I listened to Gabrielle Union talk about Hollywood and I thought no fucking way would they EVER hire me for anything since I’m constantly dragging on Hollywood and all their inadequacies—and I’m not going to stop. Like Joe Biden and DC, Hollywood and their ilk has enough sycophants around them telling them what they wanna hear and I’m not one of them.
The weather is picking up finally. I went outside and walked the past few days. Today will be cold and rainy. When it is like that, I use my poor woman’s treadmill method of walking back and forth in the combined kitchen-living room: back and forth, back and forth, etc. for forty-five minutes. Normally, I love walking in the rain, but these past few years and especially around these parts, motorists are fucking crazy and will run over you without so much a care to see if you are alright or dead—they simply do not give a shit if they hit you.
Politics? Joe Manchin is not a Democrat and he shows who he is by throwing fits about women of color including Neera Tandem, Deb Haaland, VP Harris, and AOC—we see you, Joe; he’s pandering to his racist misogynistic base. With the minimum wage? Like AOC said, keeping the minimum wage low means they are legislating poverty and having the government subsidizing the employees of these big billion/trillion dollar corporations letting them off the hook once again; along with their large tax cuts, these corporations are killing us by exploiting their workers and shifting responsibility of their care to government, which is the exact opposite of what Republicans are supposedly supposed to be all about. Rich peepo double-dipping in their greed and power—who woulda thought. /sarcasm
We passed 500k deaths. Sigh.
Worldwide COVID cases: 113,097,790; Deaths: 2,509,666
US COVID cases: 28,413,746; Deaths: 508,314
Sunday, 07-Mar-21 15:40:59 UTC
I grew up around a cornucopia of women—white women. Yes, a bunch of Marjorie Taylor Greenes and Lauren Boeberts that tried to make me into a miniature-next gen model and version of them and almost succeeded, and at various times did, until I found my way out of that bag. I shudder thinking on it now. I finally had enough a few years ago choosing the nuclear option removing them from my life and have been perfectly and exquisitely content with putting those boundaries in place ever since—absolutely, positively no regrets on that score. I, alas, cannot do it for my mother—duty of care, and all that entails, like kindness, reverence, ethics, morality and such. We’ve always had a somewhat narrow relationship as it has been mostly inconsistent. She is oil—I am water; she is coal dust—I am air; she is a boomer—I’m a GenXer this side of a millennial in attitude and activities; she is an Aries—I am a Virgo Sun-Libra moon; I love the word FUCK and have no problem saying or writing it—she absolutely does not; she is a conservative Republican bordering Evangelical—I am a Progressive Democratic-Socialist this side of Marxism; I am a radical intersectional feminist—she is absolutely not; she is a Christian that reads only the Christian King James bible every morning that’s never in her life had any BIPOC friends or any friends period that’s not been her sisters, family or men she dated—I am a Secular Humanist Atheist that reads anything I can get my hands, eyes and ears on and had a Muslim Indonesian exchange student as a best friend in high school and loads of BIPOC boyfriends and girlfriends and best friends of all different faiths and cultures in my life at all times; she is heteronormative—I am…not, occasionally; she is a cisgender woman—I identify as woman/she/her/they and am proudly such but fought my entirely life against being gendered; I am a proud member of and support LGBTQA+—she absolutely does not and we never, ever talk about that; she is extremely chaste on this side of being a severe prude about sex and nudity—I run and have always ran around baring my body in my panties, bikinis, shorts, short skirts, etc. out in the open, with the blinds open, whatever and take my clothes off in front of whoever when needed and am not prim nor modest and never have been; I glory in my body no matter how pale and stickly thin or chubby with many rolls I obtain and I love sex and masturbation and have had many orgasms and speak freely about it all—my mom hates her body, keeps it covered and has sadly never had an orgasm and does not like to talk about any of it; she doesn’t speak her mind and keeps everything inside unless prodded, who relishes being uninformed and uninvolved with no curiosity or interests other than NASCAR, sports, and puzzles/games/casinos—I am authentically honest and an emotionally passionate philosopher, artist and lifelong learner with an intense curiosity about anything and everything; we’re both kind ambiverts, but she is nice—I am misanthropically kind and have good manners, to a point; she talks a lot and uses surrogates to vent—I’m a curious listener that asks pointed questions and refrains from speaking unnecessarily and finds it tedious when others waste words; I’m a lifelong activist—she is absolutely not and takes pride in being uninvolved and uniformed; and finally, she’s narcissistic from an entirely family of such—I am mostly, definitely not, but perhaps a little; aren’t we all a tad on that narcissistic spectrum? We rarely talk about religion and politics anymore; she is prickly and condescending telling me I’m intolerant of her intolerance (I’m paraphrasing) while walking away from my simple unemotional questions rolling her eyes saying ‘god, help me’ towards my intolerance and ignorant questions. It is all rather amusing—but not really. It has always—always been tedious and hypocritical and all those heavy emotions and the ego that I’ve booted to communicate better and share knowledge with her and the rest. We do share a sense of adventure and a love of music in different ways; whereas I have and will get on a plane to anywhere by myself as long as I have camera, money and passport (she’s never had a passport), she will get in the car and drive; whereas I have eclectic musical tastes of all genres, she tends to stick to country, gospel, bluegrass, and 50-60s music. We’re both independent; me extremely so and far more than she. So, do we get along? More often than not lately if we avoid the potholes. I will forever be thankful for her assistance these past few years and being who she is has made me who I am so there’s that. *shrugs*
We’ll get survival deposits soon from the Biden pandemic relief bill. Yay?
Worldwide COVID cases: 116,662,534; Deaths: 2,590,656
US COVID cases: 28,960,271; Deaths: 524,541
Tuesday, 09-Mar-21 16:50:37 UTC
Me: Have some patience; some of us are slow learners.
Him: You’ve been learning for hundreds of years.
Me: I am not hundreds of years old.
Worldwide COVID cases: 117,286,481; Deaths: 2,602,922
US COVID cases: 29,043,715; Deaths: 524,001 (I must’ve made a mistake with the last count; apologies)
Friday, 19-Mar-21 13:42:16 UTC
Sending love to our AAPI brothers and sisters. As soon as I write that I have hope and that those ugly fuckers have become a little less potent, they strike. The racism and toxic masculinity in this country will kill us all—white men are a danger to every last one of us if they don’t get their shit together; if you cannot see this, you are a part of the problem.
I’m still struggling with my writing. I’ve almost completed one chapter and have been formulating, in my thoughts, another two chapters of each of my stories ongoing. I’ve been craving a mental, inspirational and empowering refresh, like a visit to a museum—I LOVE MUSEUMS!—or a trip to the beach. I have just enough mental and emotional energy to push out one review and maybe a diary post. The mental and emotional exhaustion of politics and the pandemic pushes me into police and protect mode and I struggle to pull myself from it—so many peeeees! As I was writing in the above review about knowing and figuring out my limitations and boundaries, I also struggle with challenging myself to do the simplest things in this mode. I’ll probably write more on that in a future review. Those reviews have become an examination of not only the book, but how I relate to that book and if it helped me when I read it. I’m sure if there are any readers, they’re like hurry up and review the damn book—kind of like when you look up a recipe and the author of such is going on and on with a story before getting to the actual recipe.
I told my mum that I missed going to museums and she couldn’t relate to that as she has no interest whatsoever in anything like that. I explained to her that when I frequented DC for work, I used to go to the museums and sit in front of one exhibit for an hour or more just thinking of it or writing or sketching—she found this bizarre. There never was any curiosity or creative thinking in my household growing up, from any of my family really—I had to gather my own. I shudder to think of it now as I would never subject a child to such emptiness. Fortunately, I had that mountain. I rarely had any books as I had to beg to be taken to the local library and that trip was a rare one.
I wanna scream at Republicans, especially Republican governors, to take care of their peoples. Their selfish and malicious form of government service is harming their people and, as such, our people. How can they not see this—because they really don’t wanna see it. How can you not invest in humanity? We’re not enslaved to their needs or their whims; we are all supposed to be invested in each other to survive. If there is no us, there is no you—how is that hard to grasp. Investing in people is investing in humanity. And to think I’m the misanthropic one. 🙄
My COVID symptoms seemed to have dissipated—they are on and off. Suffering from perimenopause has me perplexed as to what is what. I guess that is the brain fog too. Internalizing my stress already had me suffering from digestive issues on/off most of my life; perimenopause on top of that has confounded those issues; add the COVID and, well, sigh. For a period of time, I was using collagen powders in smoothies and coffee and tea mostly for my joints; since I hit 40, my joints have been creaky and loud and annoying and discomforting; I was an on/off athlete till my thirties and went caving a lot then (spelunking; yes, with actual caving gear) and if there is one thing that you do a lot of in caving is crawl/kneel/etc and it is hell on your joints; that and gaining/losing weight. I stopped using the powder when it became apparent that something with my digestion was painfully wrong. I used a bit in my coffee yesterday and nothing bad happened. Yay.
I do not have a copy editor for my work. What you see on this blog is all mine so there will be mistakes—grammar, spelling, ignorance, etc.—and I own it all; and also, I occasionally go back to edit. It never fails when you go over a piece thirty times and as soon as you hit the post/email button, you find at least one error.
I miss my friends in Raleigh. When I stopped by here in this totally new city and a different part of the state, I didn’t think I would be staying, then my gramma had a stroke and she lingered; then I stuck around for my mum…I haven’t really made any friends here and it is kind of isolating—so, I miss my peoples. If I’m going to stick around, I need to find me some new peoples. I’ve never really had a problem with
makingmeeting new peoples since I’ve been bounced around a lot from a very young age and I’m a natural introvert/ambivert. It does get somewhat difficult as you get older—I’m childless and partnerless and that tends to make things a bit more challenging, not to mention this is a total red zone politically.
Worldwide COVID cases: 121,920,491; Deaths: 2,693,410
US COVID cases: 29,668,173; Deaths: 539,703
Monday, 22-Mar-21 17:41:25 UTC
Struggling to consistently have the grace to be a better person in this kind of environment is most difficult. I won’t constantly have it—no one will. I can be as petty and pissy as the next person. Cruelty and bullies and all of the isms enrage me and I’m really not sure if we’re supposed to have grace against such acts. I have bad days just like y’all do. If one was raised by lots of emotionally stunted narcissists with no boundaries, compounded onto lots of other issues, it’s a struggle. If warranted, I’ll own it, make apologies and promise to do better next time. If not and you don’t deserve the finesse of my grace, boundaries and attitude will be established—that’s if you’re lucky. Respect is reciprocal and if you don’t afford it to me or the marginalized and most vulnerable then you damn well are not getting it from me.
I’ve never had that much melanin. I was an extremely pale, toe-headed child till I got my period around the age of eleven, then my hair went from white to wheat to dark blonde, and as dark as brown and dark brown in some parts. Since then, I’ve played around with lots of different colors from blue to pink to green to to black to orange (the orange and green not purposely). My maternal gramma and mom both went white-headed by the age of sixty. With me, there were the occasional grey hairs beginning at forty-five; at fifty, there are the occasional white hairs, in my eyebrows—I found one in my eyelashes though and I didn’t even know that was a thing that could happen. As a woman grows older and starts to experience age, she is supposed to have a sort of refinement and poise and an automatic acceptance surrounding all that—why? Can we not have some emotions and vanity ever about our looks, or are we gonna label it ageism and sexism and anti-feminist if we do? Is it okay if I cry and whine about my sagging ass, white hairs and wrinkles? Since I’ve had a lot of different hair colors, I’ve decided that once I go all white, I’ll probably do lavender, lilac or ice blue, or some other cool pastel color—and when I say ‘cool’, I mean temperature; I can only do cool or neutral tones; warm colors do not look good on me. White eyelashes though! I don’t even know how to process that—yet. Woo. For now, I’m sticking with the dark blonde and doing the occasional touch-up, and bite me if y’all have a problem with it.
How does a billionaire not pay for a pal’s surgery then appeal to others for that money? How does that even compute—emotionally, mentally, ethically? I suppose that’s how those types keep all their capital by pushing expenses off onto others with less. Typical.
Well, we’re going to be in pandemic lockdown till 2025 it appears. Spring breakers are going crazy in Florida in a pandemic and people are blaming their parents, like parents have any control of their adult-aged kids. I dunno why we have a tendency to infantilize adult-aged college students. I didn’t go to college till later in my twenties and thirties and I can assure you that when I did something wrong from the age of eighteen to twenty-two as a working-class adult, folks were not blaming my parents—I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Is that classism at play? Being labeled a student doesn’t automatically make one a minor and the responsibility of a parent. Are we talking parental responsibilities after a certain age and does that conversation evolve to at what age does that adult child take responsibility for their own actions. If a parent is still held responsible for their adult-aged children, is that enabling or bad parenting? As a parent, there has to be a line, right? One could argue that all parents should accept some responsibilities for the actions of their children for the rest of their lives because as a parent, that is what happens when you sign up for that gig—permanent responsibility for raising and educating that person into society, but at what point do they cut the chord. It seems to get older and older for some and vary from class to race to gender too so… What do I know though, I’m not a parent and certainly didn’t have any good role models. *shrugs*
Worldwide COVID cases: 123,386,930; Deaths: 2,718,137
US COVID cases: 29,823,323; Deaths: 542,393
Wednesday, 31-Mar-21 13:14:46 UTC
Things I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older are that young people and the American culture are incredibly ageist. You can chew on that as long as you like—it is an unequivocal truth. The disrespect shown to older people in this country is shameful and an embarrassment. Compound that onto racism and sexism and it is an ugly reality that not many acknowledge.
This Robbie Shilliam, “Decolonizing Politics: An Introduction” podcast is excellent and a must listen. It’s behind the Luminary paywall. I did a search and it appears to be available for free or other mediums. The book is $52 so that is a non-starter for me since that’s dinner for 2-4 weeks depending on what we eat.
‘Cutting the chord’ on cable television, so to speak, is a class issue as I recall distinctly how much cable was, how manipulative the cable companies were about automatically charging you an extra month on your credit card if you had to cancel; as well as the time and hassle it was to take a day off work to go to the cable company and wait in line forever. Also, the premium channels were harder to subscribe to and there were usually additional charges beyond the monthly regular premium fees, in addition to the cable boxes that you had to replace occasionally taking more time out of your life/work. Someone stole my mom’s cable box and they charged her $600 for it, which she never paid and they put it on her credit record. $170 for broadband and a bunch of channels I never watched and so many commercials. No, thank you—I’m perfectly content in having my six premium channels that I can cancel when I want without the burden and hassle of dealing with a greedy, manipulative, autocratic cable company or their burdensome equipment.
I spent this past week watching the DC universe movies—ending with Zack Snyder’s Justice League. I loved them all. I’m not sure what the problem with Ben Affleck was as Batman; he did a good job. I have a crush on Margot, Gal and Henry. Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn and Viola Davis’ performances as Amanda Waller are excellent. The DC women vs the Marvel women…🤔Having just watched Elizabeth Olsen in WandaVision—excellent show—I wouldn’t choose a side as both excel in their roles. I started to do reviews; they may eventually get published—or maybe not; I need to focus on my fictional writing.
I watched the movie In Time for the first time ever. Wow. I’m not sure how I could’ve missed it, but it is an excellent movie and incredibly spot on.
Worldwide COVID cases: 128,301,662; Deaths: 2,806,679
US COVID cases: 30,394,810; Deaths: 551,005
Saturday, 10-Apr-21 10:25:50 UTC
With the onset of Spring, the colors vibrant and the pollen in the South hazy, heavy and overwhelming, I long for the mountains and the peacefulness of sitting outside under the sun in the shade reading a book for long periods, occasionally drifting in and out of sleep while the wildlife runs free around me. That or the solitude of an ocean cliff perched high above, the sounds of water beating against the rocks below. The seagulls crying distant against the wind.
With certain authors, a reader needs to get into an established mindset in order to interpret their words. I sometimes start a book then put it away because I’m not capable of appreciating their work at that moment and wouldn’t want to dishonor the experience by not being totally present. The same can be said for any creative work really that I want to give my full attention to but cannot presently, and right now there is much I cannot give my full attention to. I simply don’t have the energy or the patience. Little is left that can be said. Even less to be written.
Worldwide COVID cases: 134,719,328; Deaths: 2,915,972
US COVID cases: 31,085,251; Deaths: 561,074
Tuesday, 20-Apr-21 16:11:26 UTC
I haven’t received the vaccine yet. Should be getting it soon. Hopefully.
In my thirty plus years of employment experience working for men, they resented me offering any sort of advice or procedural input, oftentimes to the detriment of their own business. I am stereotyped as the ditzy blonde college dropout that should stay home and be a wife and have babies; and now that I’m past the having babies age, the dismissal is even more rude and disrespectful. I realize this happens to women all the time; it still doesn’t make it any less infuriating. In the past, I would’ve thrown a fit and confronted that disrespect, to no avail; now I just dismiss it with a shrug—I no longer carry those burdens for people and don’t have the energy to bother with it; I do my job to the best of my ability; beyond that, I have nothing else to give; if they feel their ego is more important than their need to improve their business, there is nothing I can do for them beyond the standard. Those overburdened with a particular heavy workload in a disorganized chaotic uncommunicative mess of a business that use women like me as a conduit talking through them to other men in management, fail at leadership when they do not listen to the procedural inputs of all their employees, failing to trust those employees and their experiences; they read the input as blame and criticism in their inability to do their own job, when it is anything but. They resent the tweaking of their pride by this female blonde subordinate that should really just accept all procedural mistakes as her own, apologize, and shut up—a flat, cardboard cutout and automaton with no personality or commentary whatsoever. They scold and censure refusing to listen and understand and search for ways to improve. The need to treat their own processes and the software surrounding such as infallible when experience says otherwise illustrates more leadership failures, but whatever; what would I know—
Episode 1-37 of Hear to Slay is…woo! Differing desires and attractions—I relate. I have all kinds of attractions to all types not just because of a physical attraction, but also, an attraction to their intelligence or passion or a quirk I find oddly fascinating and endearing. I’ve caught lots of hell over the years for my odd attractions. Also, y’all said Joe wouldn’t win and here we are—in the words of 45, it is what it is, I s’pose.
Behind her Eyes on Netflix is a stunner. Space Sweepers is fun and The Invisible Man is triggering but ultimately satisfying.
Worldwide COVID cases: 142,252,661; Deaths: 3,033,225
US COVID cases: 31,741,301; Deaths: 567,759
Thursday, 06-May-21 14:05:09 UTC
I’ve always been overly attuned to my body—a hypersensitive awareness to the changes, feeling the transformations as they happened. Even as a kid as I grew heads taller than my classmates, I felt it happening, gravity stretching and pulling me like taffy; a living, breathing Stretch Armstrong in the making.
When I started my period at the age of eleven, I felt the bloat and snap of pain even more so. I was never diagnosed with endometriosis; the doctors kept casually dismissing me saying birth control would eventually help ease that, and it did, to a point. When I gain weight, I feel it in my joints as if the cogs on the gear are dry and creaking, stretching and pulling and grinding along rusted edges during each slight movement; sometimes so uncomfortably I almost could hear the actual grating of bones and muscles and tendons, and now literally can. As a woman, I was continually told that I was imagining it, oftentimes laughing off my descriptions as ridiculous. I have a high tolerance for pain and learned early as a kid that no one was interested in the imaginative workings of my body, so I eventually kept it to myself, avoiding that pointed look of ridicule and laughter that accompanied the vivid details.
The first feelings of menopause began in my gut with gluten sensitivity. It was sharp and penetrating and I felt it in every inch of my intestines, colon and gallbladder. I internalize stress in my gut and it resonates through every nerve ending. I recall remarking to a Cisgendered woman—a person who had physically born her many children—that my difficult menopause could be my body punishing me for never having kids; the woman agreed with that statement almost too eagerly and joyously, sneeringly so. I was shocked and realized what I said from her response thinking how punishingly patriarchal and misogynist I sounded to my own ears and how gleeful she responded to my pain. Perhaps I should be even more thankful and contented I didn’t have children because it probably would’ve done the exact opposite and killed me.
April and October—the change of seasons—are especially painful during menopause. The detox of hormones is so excruciating, I cannot tell if I’m infected with covid, dying of cancer or simply menopausal—maybe all three? The symptoms are so vast and I’m so incredibly ignorant of the scope and reach of it all, I’m ashamed and furious and embarrassed and outraged that none of this was ever foretold to me; that I wasn’t taught this along side mensuration; that there isn’t health care specifically for me. Then there wouldn’t be because I make less than $12k a year; to make more I would have to work more and I cannot; the brain fog is dense at times and debilitating; the exhaustion even more so.
In the U.S. the internet has limited coverage on menopause. I get most of my menopause information from the UK; here, in the States, all I hear about are hot flashes and no periods. No, my hot flashes and periods are like the rest of my body—abnormal. My spine radiates heat and I’m reminded of the cylon sex scenes in BSG and wondering if it glows red. My arms, legs, fingers and toes tingle and spark like they’ve been long asleep. My clitoris is as fickle as the Spring weather—one minute sensitive, craving tap or stroke; the next dead and flapping in the breeze like a lobule. My orgasms—that have long been wonderful, powerful toe-curling acts of stress-relief I’ve enjoyed almost nightly—are now as occasionally rare and bland as my diet and sometimes followed by a dull throbbing ache of pain centered around my clitoris. My period still arrives; this last month for four weeks. Using tampons have become somewhat uncomfortable as my vagina starts to dry. I was always wet, excessively so and have had only one yeast infection in my entire life; I had another recently that evidently went to my gut. In reducing the amount of estragon and progesterone, the digestive tract fails to create a healthy microbiome thus creating infections and all kinds of problems; probiotics are now my thing and I’m looking into vaginal probiotics, which I didn’t even know was a thing. There is morning sickness, sensitive teeth and gums and skin, tinnitus, aching breasts and body, insomnia, headaches, acne, depression, etc. Sunshine, exercise (walking/yoga), sleep/naps, limiting news and negatives, massaging my body (what I wouldn’t give for a daily deep tissue massage), green tea, oatmeal, cinnamon, turmeric, red cabbage, avocados, yogurt, kale, spinach, berries, beans, cilantro, thyme and other spices are positives.
No vaccination, yet. I now have to wait till my immune system reboots—if it ever does.
The only thing I can think of is I’m young, and if I make it through this alive…well, I don’t even know—I do really, really miss bread even more than my toe-curling orgasms.
Worldwide COVID cases: 155,353,083; Deaths: 3,245,391
US COVID cases: 32,562,841; Deaths: 579,358
Saturday, 08-May-21 13:31:08 UTC
Sending peace, love and good health to our brothers and sisters in India.
Worldwide COVID cases: 157,010,178; Deaths: 3,272,898
US COVID cases: 32,6532,055; Deaths: 580,905
Thursday, 27-May-21 18:52:59 UTC
First dose administered.
Worldwide COVID cases: 168,580,738; Deaths: 3,502,128
US COVID cases: 33,201,833; Deaths: 592,654
Saturday, 05-Jun-21 13:51:30 UTC
This will be my last post to this thread, maybe, unless I feel like another post—although, I do not believe that the pandemic is over; I believe we have yet to experience the end of pandemic malaise, especially here in the states. Given the level of stupidity and hubris, it seems unlikely that we will ever have a healthy future after the past few years. As a society, we are diseased, inflicted with a ugly bigoted pathos that we cannot seem to eliminate. I have little hope.
My first dose of Moderna was on Thursday, 27-May at noonish at a drug store down the road from where I live. The pharmacy tech delivered the shot into my left arm so skillfully I didn’t feel it at all. She was white, middle-aged, blond, tall and appeared strong and sturdy. She was nice and not very talkative, which I could relate—I never spoke much at work either. I was my usual self—direct, genuine, curious, and friendly, but not overly so.
There is a blond color that can immediately be recognized as a box color—a sort of yellowish, hasty tint that leaves the hair looking stringy and lackluster that comes off garishly quick and easy. I write this not in censure because I, dear reader, suffered the same fate when I tried that grotesque blond box color for a time and while it could be appealing to some, it has aged into a stereotyped unattractive pandering towards whiteness. I try not to think about it as such, but given images like we’ve seen at the various he-that-shall-not-be-named rallies and riots, I immediately think of those types and their bigotries and fanaticism.
When she asked me if I had any chronic health issues, I said no, unless peri/menopause counted—it is a beast, I told her. She grinned. When she asked me if I had health insurance, I laughed and said hardly and no—I sensed that this seemed to vex her, but she entered it into her computer without comment. Like many times prior when I found myself unknowingly provoking someone with my genuine directness, I didn’t really think about any of this at the time as I was a bit on edge; although, I’ve been going over it in my head since and belatedly recognized the inadvertent microaggressions that she unwittingly—or wittingly—threw my way.
While I was waiting—and I waited for a good 10-15 minutes before being called in to get the shot by the same woman—another younger person showed up to get the shot and was told that he would have to come back around 5ish to schedule for another day. They didn’t seem to be busy as I was the only one there, but I had no clue what was going on behind the scenes. Everyone in the pharmacy office that I could see was wearing masks, except the blond woman.
When she gave me the shot, I congratulated her on her talented needle technique. I also asked if she had any personal recommendations for peri/menopause symptoms or remedies—she physically flinched and grimaced. I didn’t think to add that I meant no disrespect because I had not. It occurred to me that she may have felt insulted that I automatically assumed she was of the age that could be peri/menopausal when I was not really thinking of age one way or the other. Personal ancestral and cultural knowledge of peri/menopausal symptoms and remedies is apparently how women share that knowledge so I was only seeking that information through her as a means of personal needs and curiosities; it certainly wasn’t mean to denigrate or compete or shame her in any way and yet, she automatically assumed it was. She mentioned what I have come to expect—something about hot flashes; I tried not to roll my eyes because I have heard more than enough about hot flashes; what I don’t hear about are all the other symptoms; the ones no one talks about because this odious culture has so stigmatized age and peri/menopause like all the other natural but socially shameful women’s curses thanks to the zealots and prudes. She told me to ask the pharmacist and said please wait 15 minutes to see if you have any allergic reaction, though even if I did have an allergic reaction, I wasn’t so sure I would get any help from her, but that is presuming far too much. I didn’t ask the pharmacist about peri/menopause because she appeared busy and I was more than likely going to get the standard 101 about hot flashes. Listen, people with uteri and ovaries and such that will eventually get to that peri/menopausal stage—hot flashes are the least of your worries.
I opened my Kindle and read for 15 minutes then I went home back to work. I walked my usual 45 minutes and lifted some hand weights. Within an hour, I immediately felt better—my digestion no longer had that sharp pain, specifically my back, upper-right side; my breathing improved; and my joints stopped aching, to a point, and my brain seemed to defog. So, I did have Covid long haul symptoms. Within five hours, I was extremely tired. The following day, my left arm hurt, like when you do far too many sets with weights and regret it. By Tuesday, I had a fairly bad case of pink eye in my left eye and a mild fever, but nothing I could not handle given what I had endured prior. I looked on Twitter to see if anyone else documented that symptom—only few people remarked on it and I wondered if they were bots or covid-hoaxers. I went to the CDC to check and it told me to report it to my primary healthcare physician in which I promptly started screaming in frustration. So, I’m placing it here for posterity and in case something else happens.
How did I get Covid? Well, after I tried to protect my 70+ year old mother from getting it, she gave it to me courteous of our family—don’t get me started on that characteristically symbolic gesture of love I have so often received from all of them. She has yet to get the vaccine. After repeatedly asking her to and then ultimately telling her I believed in her and had faith in her that she would get it, she has scheduled her first dose—Yay. I think she was just tired of wearing her mask when everyone else was not. That and me telling her constantly that she was an asymptomatic carrier and she was hurting people and I don’t think she wants to hurt people. She told me that a couple of her sisters have refused the vaccine and don’t wear their masks—lemme tell you how shocked I was at that, though, not really; stupidity and arrogance and all. I ceased to be surprised so long ago of the depths of depravity some people display in all their megalomaniacal hubris and apathy.
My next dose is 24-June. Two weeks after that the first thing I will do is get an eye exam, new glasses and a hair cut. I have no desire to mingle with people yet, especially in crowds. I really never had a desire to do that.
I painted over the last. I needed it to be like the blood-red, puss-oozing scab that 2020 was given that would be its title. I’m almost finished. That photo is a bit over exposed.
Worldwide COVID cases: 172,678,875; Deaths: 3,714,610
US COVID cases: 33,349,058; Deaths: 597,082
Saturday, 03-Jul-21 14-28-21 UTC
My second and last dose of Moderna was on the 24th of June and it knocked me on my ass. I had chills, headache, diarrhea, nausea, fever, and was extremely tired and brain fuddled at around 24 hours after for about 12-16 hours. It didn’t last long and I’ve felt far worse many, many more times in my life. It did spook my mother because I was walking around like a zombie and slept a lot and who then attempted to contend most vehemently with me that vaccines were supposed to be for ‘feeling better.’ I started to argue with her, but declined because I was tired and could care less about her delusions anymore. Having been raised around people that reveled in the
swimmingdrowning of their own willful stupidity and after the last six years, I’ve lost the ability to plead with anyone (if I ever had it to begin with), most especially those that wish to fester in their own foolishness. My suggestions in preparing for the second dose are to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate; plus, have some types of broth soup readily available, like miso or chicken; Tylenol or acetaminophen; bring out your winter covers/linen for your bed and an extra set because once the fever breaks, you’ll be soaked; maybe some fruit juice, which depends on how your stomach does with such; and most importantly, besides hydrate, sleep, sleep, sleep. Ultimately, it is an inflammation virus and the two best ways to do battle with it are to hydrate and sleep. Keep hydrating after the fever breaks too. I can still feel some of the virus lingering in specific areas of my body because of my hyper-sensitivity to feel every little thing in it so continue to excessively hydrate afterwards. Please get the vaccination and save us from yet another death statistic and the mourning of you, no matter who you are or how you politically align yourself because this isn’t going away any time soon. Best of luck.
We continue to watch as the Republicans across the country and SCOTUS persist in dismantling democracy right in front of us, and the Democrats do nothing—one has to wonder if they intend it to be this way; if the aristocracy has had enough of the disobedience of the plebs and granting us the mere allusion of democracy and have decided to carry on as if nothing is at stake because nothing is for them. It’s hard not to conclude that this is the very end of democracy in the United States. From the beginning, Republicans—whether they were called either Democrats or Republicans; that side of the party—never really wanted a democracy in the hands of us lesser individuals. Perhaps me if I was the good little white woman that minded her tongue and did as I was told—something I’ve never, ever in my life done and I will not start now; if I didn’t find all genders deliciously alluring instead of just the mediocre white male ones and snubbed and mocked their loathsome, cruel, misogynistic and greedy religions, deities, and saints. Not happening. Ever.
After having acknowledged reading the first book and attempting to watch Outlander not once but twice, I started yet again and have surprisingly enjoyed it so far. I forged ahead passed my triggers of rage over the attempted rape and spanking of the woman protagonist and have come to appreciate certain aspects of it. I didn’t want to be like those people that raged and dismissed something before fully examining it—that’s reductive and never really helpful. I didn’t realize their was a queer element to the story—several, actually. I definitely don’t remember that in the book. I’m at the beginning of season three and still thinking about it. I’m currently reading Nell Irvin Painter’s The History of White People and combined with what I’m seeing has given me lots to think about—the vagaries and arbitrariness surrounding the term ‘Anglo-Saxon.’ Certainly makes you think. I need to think about it more, but am enjoying the show. The woman protagonist can be very aggravating at times, like she was purposely made to be a white woman feminist—a ‘Karen’, if you will, but aims to be so much more; I write this applauding all unlikeable woman characters so I don’t dismiss her being aggravating as a personality quirk but something to philosophically examine. I haven’t gotten to the Atlantic slave trade parts of it yet. The show is very white; the only black person popped up smiling and I laughed because it was just so freaking obvious what they were attempting to do. Then again, Scotland is a predominantly white country. One wonders what the demographics were in the 18th century knowing how purposely BIPOC were written out of history or relegated to the fringes of white history. The Scottish historical parts were fascinating. I know very little if anything about Scottish history—completely ignorant. The Brits have the same affliction that the Americans do—they have the inability to see themselves as everything but the bad guy. The white power structure and hierarchy has always confounded me and is cruel and bigoted and intolerant given that the term white is so very malleable. The colonizers need to own their brutal autocratic colonizing and oppressive histories lest we’re doomed to rot in the male mendacity and cruelty of it all—yes, I’m looking at you too China as it appears their totalitarian regime wants to destroy us with said rumors of hundreds of new silos and their oppressive tactics with Hong Kong. Sigh. Men and their destructive toys and base savagery will doom us all.
Someone once wrote that menopause is like pregnancy with the erratic hormones and nausea and all the other symptoms; well, you can count libidinous on that list as well—otherwise colloquially known as being excessively horny. I guess my toe-curling orgasms aren’t gone after all. Go figure. Yay? Also, hummus—eat lots of hummus.
I continue to write. I also started playing around with oil painting, again. Photo below. Isn’t it awful? It also isn’t finished. Art is so much fun.
Worldwide COVID cases: 183,198,828; Deaths: 3,966,031 Doses Administered: 3,159,470,545
US COVID cases: 33,709,867; Deaths: 605,540
Sunday, 04-Jul-21 15:14:10 UTC
I did some editing on yesterday’s post. With this being a diary sometimes the writing gets away from me and I tend to mindlessly philosophize and speculate far too much in areas—without thinking/editing—that I have no business in speculating, specifically online, like with someone’s sexuality. That’s a definite no-no; I regret it and I’m sorry; it won’t happen again; period. If the person in question isn’t sharing it, neither should we as we’ve witnessed the toxicity of homophobes that tend to weaponize and exploit those speculations for their own means to harm—be it by cruelty or something far more nefariously and amorally abstract. As it stands, LalaLand is still extremely homophobic and if said personas don’t wish to share because it hinders their livelihood aka brand or cuz they simply don’t wanna, that is their prerogative and none of our business, and one we should respect, whether we agree with it or not. Privacy should still be a thing—unfortunately, so will cruelty, on all sides. So, be kind and choose respect instead of cruelty. Be safe and Happy Fourth and a belated Pride, lovelies. 😘🏳️🌈
Worldwide COVID cases: 183,574,688; Deaths: 3,973,003 Doses Administered: 3,186,259,577
US COVID cases: 33,715,256; Deaths: 605,499
I did some more editing on some of the above. Those solid speculative thoughts sometimes become vaporous and smothering and give rise to ambivalence and skepticism; contemplations that should probably be confined to my personal writing journal—the one I occasionally still scribble incoherently in. Either that or my insecurities are acting out. Unfortunately, I do still have those. If you don’t, well brava on you.
Both me and my mother are fully vaccinated now. Her reaction to the second dose wasn’t as bad as mine or as lengthy.
I’m with Roxane and Amber—I could care less if men read books by women and it’s their loss; as stupid as it and they are, it really shows an obtuseness to not educate yourself on half the populace. I know self-proclaimed ‘progressive’ men that rarely read women authors and when they do, they’re hyper-critical and, like that article said, rate books lower.
Some romance novels are more about the men than the women that fall in love with them and I’m not sure how I feel about it. The book series I’m reading now, the author definitely was inspired by the male lead and that series I’ve been watching and critiquing lately. I also find myself working hard at liking unlikeable white women (characters and otherwise; y’all know to whom I’m referring) and I’m not sure how to feel about that either. I do have empathy for them, but liking? That’s another issue entirely. I really don’t. I think that is the problem with most people—they cannot separate liking and empathy. Like with that series, I roll my eyes at the woman protagonist occasionally. I do still have so many thoughts about the series floating around in my head, I can’t really shape them into anything orderly currently, especially while reading Painter’s book The History of White People. I’d like to get other perspectives too by feminist academics—historians and sociologists and such; smart women that I admire, especially BIPOC women.
I don’t care for watching or reading about insipid, compliant, and obsequious women in novels, especially romance; in literary, yes, but not in romance. I do force myself to read those types of novels because it is important and prudent I do so given my feelings and reactions to such. I love when the women characters are curious, bold, cheeky, smart, witty, lippy, and adventurous, especially in bed. That is why I ultimately give that series character high marks even if sometimes she annoys the fuck out of me; like telling a black enslaved man—newly freed by his owner now employer because he saved his life—that he should be very thankful. That seriously rubbed me the wrong way. I knew a considerable amount of the storylines in Colonial America in that series would probably aggravate me. I tend to stay away from those types of romance novels given the shallowness and romanticization of slave plantations and that time period by some; I never did care for them—I pick and choose carefully if and when doing so. Those storylines on that series have prompted a number of questions, including the most obvious one of how would a 21st century white person react to being dropped in the latter part of the 18th century and confronted with such cruelty and injustice? One would hope the same as you would confront such evils today. Given the complexities of it all, it still makes you wonder, knowing what the future holds, how could you strategically do as much good and save as many lives as possible without getting caught and killed and doing as little damage as possible to the victims of these kinds of cruel atrocities?
In one scene, the two leads buy an enslaved man then free him after witnessing an undignified cruel sexual exploitive act at a slave auction to which she reacts violently and explosively without thinking in front of a crowd attacking the slave holder (?? I don’t know the vernacular of the slave trade). Later, as she holds the bill of sale, she is both horrified and disgusted that her name is on an actual paper owning a person. The male lead points out that if she didn’t have and show proof of ownership, he would be captured and resold again. So, they ask him what he wants to do and obviously he wants to be freed. I started thinking about a whole host of questions, including how history would show that she owned an enslaved person and how that would have ramifications presently with people outing ancestral slave owners and blaming their living kin. But I blew that question off cause those are rich, white people problems and not nearly (not at all) as important as the fact that we are still dealing with the consequences of slavery, of racism, colonialism, capitalism, and yet more slave trafficking in certain parts of the world today, so…
Questions upon questions—no solid answers. It requires a nuanced storyline not many could pull off presently, if ever. I’ve paused watching the third season to do some reading. Usually when that happens, if I find a show fascinating and provocative, I start at the beginning of the series, keeping it on in the background. I dunno why I do that. Every time I see that scene in which he demands her apologize for her almost getting raped then spanking her—I rage. There would be pain and apologies and it wouldn’t be mine.
With my writing lately, my brain is still fuddled so perhaps the rambling incongruities are just remnants of Covid. It’s annoying and doesn’t really motivate me to write. Please stay safe, y’all and get vaccinated.
Worldwide COVID cases: 186,292,222; Deaths: 4,022,075 Doses Administered: 3,411,216,120
US COVID cases: 33,843,855; Deaths: 607,092
The online universe is bizarre and I have to step into it sparingly because you people are fucking crazy scary nutters and my kinda peoples 😜😘—still…sparingly.
Since the Twilight movies are on Netflix I am watching them for the first time ever—I think. I don’t remember ever watching them, but who knows. I recall reading the first book but nothing about it. I have no comment about the movies really—they is what they is [shrugs]. I have the last two left. I told y’all I was bad at pop culture.
I miss photography. I really, really do. If you are not aware, I was a portrait and fashion photographer for a few years (2010 thereabouts for about 5-6 years) until it bankrupted me. Had to sell off almost all my equipment—all my Alien Bees flashes, my lenses; it was awful because there is nothing worse than finally reaching your dream and not being able to sustain it; it is a literal living hell. I managed to keep my Canon 5D Mark II, the cheaper of the 85mm lens, my 580 EXII flash, a couple of light stands, reflector & stand, some backdrops, and lots of fabric because you cannot have a fashion shoot without a fan and some chiffon fabric. I hadn’t touched my camera in a couple of years so I dug it out and dusted it off and set it up to do some selfies. Took a cue from one of my many beautiful pals and put on some makeup—though, as I told her, once you hit 50, I believe it is called spackling, at least it is for me—and went to work. When you get older, it is not mirrors that show your age but selfies. Woo. Since we have hard water here, I’ve learned that hard water pretty much desiccates skin so I’ve been working on slathering my body up with everything I can get my hands on cheaply and finding ways around not dying from this ground water because apparently here in the Piedmont, the water is tainted thanks to that big energy company that subjugates us all to their whims and greed. I would love to know how women around my age are managing their skincare routines and gravity—have you just fucked up the laws of physics and kicked gravity’s ass yet? Anywho, I do miss photography. I had to deal with all the issues surrounding beauty and fatphobia and superficiality and sexism and hypersexuality, etc. when I had to work with models. It was a learning experience. I’m not going to tell you I passed that test with an A—hell no; I’ve gone back and forth a gazillion times with myself, my clients, vendors, and most especially models on that entire industry and the subject of beauty period. I’ve had models break down crying telling me horror stories about men photogs and the industry in general that would absolutely stagger you. That industry is brutal and I so hated that sometimes I was part of the problem. I had to take a step back from it for that and lots of reasons but mainly because I was forced to. I gave up my pro photog site at Zenfolio and switched to this blog. I have a Behance site that I have yet to add to so I’ll probably start using that to add my port. I’ll also start posting to Instagram again but I don’t really like doing that because they’re a part of fakebook and I really don’t care for fakebook.
And while everyone is out and about, I’m gonna stay home a little bit longer thanks to Delta. Read Ed Yong’s lastest Atlantic covid articles and you’ll know why.
BTW, I’m doing some editing on all the previous The Mirror of Me chapters. More chapters forthcoming…eventually—hopefully within my lifetime.
Worldwide COVID cases: 190,672,090; Deaths: 4,092,895 Doses Administered: NA
US COVID cases: 34,093,210; Deaths: 609,068
Ted Lasso season one is excellent. Hope and optimism and kindness and such.
So, the antivaxxers have reached monumental peak stupidity. Their fear has overrun any objectivity or rational thought they may have. In the books I’ve read on the past pandemics—the so-called modern ones, that is—this tends to happen. People continue exhibiting cultish symptoms. Those sitting in hospital rooms being shown empirical evidence that they have Covid as well as exhibiting the symptoms still refuse to believe, most likely because of their ego and the need to not feel foolish, humiliated or humbled. Regardless, their is a level of moral failure in the antivaxxer movement during a pandemic when you are confronted with the truth and repeatedly deny it; you are harming others and that is not kindness. You must be confronted and held to account. These deniers are not victims; they are con artists and selfish. There is a really good thread here. I urge you to read it. I have no problem expressing my thoughts on the antivaxxer BS. None at all. As someone pointed out, there is no need for “civility” or “manners” if you are kind.
I’m still somewhat convinced that congressional Democrats and the Biden admin don’t wanna do anything about the attack on voting rights. Their moderation these past months since taking power has been loose and ambiguous at best. I used to scoff at the term ‘establishment’—I get it now. I tweeted this earlier this summer: At this point we have to decide on what the definition of ‘establishment’ is. Maybe that’s where the confusion lies. At first I thought it was ‘the base’. Now I’ve come to realize it is an elite cadre of tight-ass moderates that prioritize their own interests over that of others. I’m okay with calling them the aristocracy too.
Hear to Slay continues to rock. Every time I listen to a new ep, I’m astonished because I was just thinking/writing/philosophizing about the topic in question either here or in a book review or in my fiction. It’s eerily uncanny.
I bought a humidifier and set it next to where I sleep. It seems to be working because I didn’t get stopped up in the middle of the night. The air feels cooler and my skin feels better. I’m enjoying those facial moisturizing mists as well. I haven’t had a period in a couple of months now and am starting to feel the effects of menopause on my skin in certain areas, like my scalp is getting dryer as well as other areas. Since the water here is harsh/hard, it’s been recommended that I should wash my skin sparingly, and lemme tell you how much I’m gonna hate that—I am a water baby so that is gonna hurt. Not too long ago, I was taking two showers a day and now the recommendations are to ‘wash sparingly’. I have noticed that my skin feels better when I do, especially in areas where I have mild eczema. I still take my quick nightly shower, but do so sensibly knowing my skin is capricious and unlike others and I have to be kinder to it than usual. I’ve had to change my face cleanser from oil free to mild and double up on the moisturizers. During menopause, you have to be quick to adapt and make changes to routines and develop healthy habits and stick to them. I’ve gotten better at establishing habits as I’ve gotten older. Of course the need to occasionally break those habits is still there too. 😈
I was thinking this week that a man with a skin care routine who is not afraid to talk about and confidently demonstrate it publicly is sexy as hell. A man or a woman who isn’t afraid to discuss age-related changes to themselves or their bodies is also hot and someone I want to befriend and have discussions. ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ Stay safe, lovelies, and please, for the love and kindness of humanity, please, please, please get fucking vaccinated. 😘
Worldwide COVID cases: 193,165,622; Deaths: 4,143,105 Doses Administered: 3,812,901,472
US COVID cases: 34,400,655; Deaths: 610,720
Y’all, don’t be gross. ‘Wash sparingly’ doesn’t mean not washing your bits every day. Let’s not be the part of that social media generation that extrapolates 293 characters or less and staples, paints or mires someone—me—in one ugly, concreted, distorted trope when y’all have this entire blog—and twitter—of my flaws to choose from to belittle me. Instead of throwing around that pettiness and ugly energy, we can discuss the people that don’t have clean water to drink—cough FLINT! cough— still, or how about every other small poor industrial waste town in the Tri-State ensnared by corporate greed that buy out local, state, and federal governments in order to bypass regulations and pollute and not pay any taxes causing the most vulnerable in those communities to pay for their own inequities subjecting them to unclean air and water and underfunded health care and education, which brands that pollution into the DNA causing generations of unhealthy peoples; and don’t get me started on the generational economic tolls. Or we can talk about how 785 million people don’t have access to clean drinking water, and I’m positive that number is so horrendously and hilariously (/sarcasm) under-counted, probably purposely. Or I can tell you that I’m researching hard water shower filter heads and mild body washes so I can stay a water baby (I don’t mean
AquariusScorpio, 🤢😉)—but should I? I’ve never been one of those boho hippy environmental characters that makes a political point of not using water to bathe, basking in their human le relent (and I’m not judging those who do—unless I’m sitting next to them in a small, stuffy, enclosed area), but I’m wondering with everything going on around us, should we think seriously about things like this? Did you see that 26 billion feet of cubic water in an Antarctica lake disappeared in three days? This is one of those things like using or not using straws—me not taking my extra five minute shower ain’t gonna fill in that lake, ever, but these kinds of things do cross my mind. My gramma toward the latter end of her life, bless her heart, was terrified to get in the shower/bath because she was afraid she’d fall, and don’t get me started on me mum…anyhoo…hard water filtered shower heads…searching now.
Get vaccinated and wear your mask, please. 🚰🚱
Worldwide COVID cases: 193,979,302; Deaths: 4,156,401 Doses Administered: 3,839,912,428
US COVID cases: 34,434,369; Deaths: 610,859
Would you deny yourself the joy or wisdom or amusement in not watching or reading a thing because there was a word—one word, of the millions of English words—repeated that you were prejudicially closed-minded about and wanted it removed entirely from the English language? Specifically the word fuck? Don’t watch or read—I really could care less anymore. Don’t place that faux outrage and ridiculous burden and issue onto others; it is your issue and not ours to carry. Anymore, I simply laugh it off when someone gets all smug and superior and righteous when reducing a thing down to something so ridiculous and small. If we were talking about removing something more politically significant like ‘rape’ and ‘rape culture’ or ‘racism’ and the ‘n’ word or anything in that area, this would be a different philosophical conversation and one I would still resist outright because censorship is really bad, and that also becomes a sociopolitical issue that needs more philosophical discussion, not less. The word FUCK though is insignificant and has been around and will continue to be around until it becomes another obsolete word of the many and I don’t see that happening any time soon. So the melodrama and moral indignation surrounding it only proves to make that faux outrage appear foolishly narcissistic.
Worldwide COVID cases: 194,354,288; Deaths: 4,163,220 Doses Administered: 3,867,137,252
US COVID cases: 34,453,851; Deaths: 610,912
This was not a good week—not emotionally, not mentally and definitely not physically. My body felt like it was attempting to ovulate but could not thus giving me very, very uncomfortable symptoms, like feeling like it was hit by a truck, especially my digestion, again. My emotions are all over the place. I had planned to go get an eye exam plus a haircut because I haven’t had one in at least 3 years (haircut; 10 years eye exam); I’m notorious about cutting my own hair when I’m poor and stressed and emotional and for the past few years, I’ve done just that and had horrendously bad haircuts; well, I got mad at my hair and guess what? Yeah, I did it again—I gave myself a bad haircut. Oh well, ponytails till it grows out again.
The person I room with is driving me crazy. Fortunately, they went somewhere else for a few; I cannot go into the details because it is a much longer and complex story, but let me tell you how unfortunate it is to not being able to like or connect emotionally with the one person that you’re supposed to and bearing the brunt of that for an entire life. It’s exhausting.
I am hypersensitive to emotions, especially stress since I grew up in a home rife with domestic violence among other things, and the uptick in social stress is once again plucking my nerves—the abstract of patterns are pulling at larger disturbances in the force; yeah, I went there, so I’m gonna cut back on social media.
Worldwide COVID cases: 196,995,824; Deaths: 4,203,461 Doses Administered: 4,034,924,765
US COVID cases: 34,771,355; Deaths: 612,238
The bathing conversations have triggered some uncomfortable traumatic memories for me. Being the poor folks in town, as a kid, I was picked on constantly for being dirty, especially since we lived on a big, muddy mountain and always had muddy trucks and boots; I was a tomboy too and was outdoors from dawn to dusk so I constantly got berated for being unclean, even if I wasn’t; I was dirty lots though cuz I was a freaking kid and I hated taking showers; my mom had to drag me into the shower; I loved the outdoors and lived in the mud. Since we lived back on a mountain, our pipes would freeze and bust regularly and dad was constantly having to find the leak then dig up our water lines to patch up so we would on many occasions not have access to water. I lived with my aunt and uncle in the mountains for a time and they didn’t have a bathroom; they had an outhouse; the only water was well water that came from the kitchen spigot; we washed in the creek or took our whore’s bath. I got lice once when I was a little girl and my mom was so shamed by the school I’m not sure she ever lived it down. In the fourth grade, I had a itchy rash on my hands; my teacher sent me to the school nurse who diagnosed me with scabies; I went back to class with the nurse and the nurse announced to the class and my teacher that I had scabies and told them what it was; my teacher and the rest of the class began to mock and laugh and shun me, sitting me in the corner away from everyone. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I found out that I have eczema and not scabies. Not only was I mocked for being dirty, but for being the ‘palest girl in West Virginia’ so the dirty became a whole other level in addition to being a tomboy, which was yet another reason I got bullied. Don’t pretend to be all righteous about cleanliness when it isn’t about cleanliness at all. Meanness and dehumanization of the word dirty towards certain groups or individuals is simply another form of bullying and racist and classist as fuck. Not to mention cleanliness signifies a privilege a lot of people do not have access to for any number of reasons. It doesn’t take into account many, many things, and I’ll let you ponder on that bit of philosophical wisdom. I urge you to rethink weaponizing someone’s cleanliness. Kindness towards someone shouldn’t end if they don’t smell like roses or they don’t wash and it most certainly shouldn’t devolve into cruelty or bigotry. A person’s smelliness or cleanliness does not dehumanize them. How is that even a thing?
Worldwide COVID cases: 200,046,509; Deaths: 4,253,059 Doses Administered: 4,263,799,236
US COVID cases: 35,314,746; Deaths: 614,769
That cleanliness conversation was significant at first and I learned things I did not know about the extent of racism and bigotry surrounding that topic in addition to sharing what happened to me, and it is a much needed conversation that has to happen; some of it is hilarious and what I’ve learned about shaming someone with a big ego is that humor is probably the best method to depart wisdom diplomatically, maybe—who knows; but, it has since devolved into a petty cruelty that presents as vengeance; so, this is where I hop off that ride (unless there is like a sociological paper I can read and educate myself on it). I have enough issues without taking on that rage and energy and adding those oppressive emotions to the mix, but you do you—far be it for me to trample on someone’s petty vengeance if it gives them peace of mind and closure. I’ve been on many sides of that cleanliness subject from: yes, white people (including myself) are gross and lazy and need to do better cleaning themselves and the world around them; to, I was poor white trash little girl that got bullied and traumatized and called dirty; to, I was clinically depressed and had to force myself to do even the barest minimum of washing; to, I’m a West Virginia hillbilly and a southerner and we’re quite familiar with environmental racism and classism—at least, some of us are; to, I’ve volunteered at homeless shelters and a lot of homeless are hella more cleaner than those elite white celebrities and rich people that go around telling people they don’t bathe; to, I helped my mama take care of my maw-maw during home hospice in the last years of her life when she refused to bathe because she was terrified of those cheap combined shower/baths us renters are subjected to and would not get into one (we even got her a shower chair), and she was wearing depend diapers, etc.—I think you know where I’m going with that story. The way I’m reading about climate change, before long, we’re all gonna be either taking whore’s baths or under water regardless—well, except the billionaires on their mega yachts (that are still on the planet) with their luxury and their comfort and probably their water desalination systems. Did you know a table top water distiller is a couple hundred dollars and it doesn’t even distill that much water and needs filters regularly? I don’t own one but I’ve done the research. We have like four water filters on our water here including the Brita filters for cooking water and water bottles because we are afraid of the ground water (do the words coal ash pollution ring any bells). The water is hard too (we have well water not city water; we’re renters) and if you know anything about hard water, it collects and solidifies into calcium deposits on the appliances and dishes and such and then there’s what it does to your body inside and out. We’re fortunate to have water even while living on a golf course that spews enormous amounts of water to keep it green and being down the road from these multi-million dollar homes on the lake that water their lawns nonstop. American capitalism, man, and its cruelty and contradictions. Also, there is absolutely no way in hell I would ever go swimming in the lake here. I heard more than a few people say that they’ve witnessed more than a few boaters dumping their sewage directly into it (white people are gross). Then there is this. When Erin Brockovich gets in on it, you know it’s bad. Stay safe, y’all. 😘
Worldwide COVID cases: 202,001,985; Deaths: 4,283,154 Doses Administered: 4,373,992,410
US COVID cases: 35,707,822; Deaths: 616,547
There sure is nothing like sharing your experiences and vulnerabilities to the smug cruelties and caprices of the world then having it used to carve yet another notch out of your heart. Congratulations if you’ve achieved that level of humanity. Being the carver or the carved, you ask? Does it really matter? And I suppose that is where you’ll find your answer. Good luck with that.
And today we are at the nausea and migraine installments of menopause. Yay. 😣
Warm up 2 La Banderita corn tortillas
2 slices of Oscar Mayer oven roasted turkey (optional)
Sliced cucumbers, tomatoes, avocados
Worldwide COVID cases: 205,082,290; Deaths: 4,329,833 Doses Administered: 4,564,309,376
US COVID cases: 36,229,489; Deaths: 618,651
I’ve been taking a break from, well, everything. I even stopped reading for a few weeks. I know—shocking. I’ve been playing online Mahjong and started watching NCIS of all things. I really don’t like procedurals; however, I did always love Ziva and Tiva, or whatever their ship name is. After watching 10 seasons straight, I needed a break and took the weekend off to watch some movies and started watching The Morning Show on Apple—it’s good; I like it. I have a lot of thoughts about NCIS given it started shortly after 9/11 and in the wake of ending the war in AFGH and that bogus war on terror, which I never ever supported to begin with and protested heavily against. It’s interesting how these international terrorists hit the headlines when white supremacy and domestic terrorism become centered. The fact that all those pro-war boys like Bush Jr, Cheney, Blair, and a lot of other Republicans collecting on all the $$ being made from government contracts supporting the war makes me despise it even more. They were never there to help Afghans, only to line their own pockets. There are other ways to help Afghans.
What else? Republicans and the conservative right are still stupid, corrupt, bigoted, misogynistic, pro-death autocrats and anti-science idiots so we are still deep into a pandemic thanks to that imbecility and now lots of kids are dying.
I’m furious about the Texas abortion SCOTUS decision and have continued to voice my fury on twitter & will maintain that outrage and hollering until something is done about it.
Oh, I turned 51 on Friday. Yay. 😐
Worldwide COVID cases: 220,957,255; Deaths: 4,571,729 Doses Administered: 5,480,646,636
US COVID cases: 39,998,404; Deaths: 648,910
Sitting back, watching the world burn and humanity shit on each other is a real drag.
JB’s poll numbers are dragging so he’s getting more aggressive to appease the right-wing crowd. Why we have to appease them, I got no clue. It only feeds my earlier theories.
My thread on Christianity stands. I get tired of the Amway-like manipulative tactics to recruit people into their cult, especially with Christian nationalism on the rise. Attempts to tag their kindness appear like Orwellian propaganda while their acts are more demonstratively injurious by the day. Experience and history tells another story entirely, repeatedly—kindness and equality within their group derive from only a few. When the leaders of their Christian churches live in gold cities and palaces and drive expensive cars and give millions of dollars to get a pass on abusing their victims while also lifting up fascism, bigotry and misogyny—no. I respect a person’s right to have faith or religion; beyond that, I’m uninterested and want it out of government, healthcare, education, etc. I dunno, maybe I’m just tired of religion in general because it’s continuously used as a tool of hate.
I’m still watching NCIS and avoiding writing, creating, and reading. This show has been on almost 20 years and I’m interested in how it has evolved sociologically and politically. Lots of their stories originate in and about Afghanistan—yes, I know, don’t get me started; I have lots of thoughts about that. I don’t like using the ‘p’ word again, however, it began during dubya and after 9/11 and imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy propaganda is at its very core. I should really use the term ‘copaganda’ for it since it is navy cops—a double whammy.
Worldwide COVID cases: 228,427,227; Deaths: 4,689,949 Doses Administered: 5,904,589,149
US COVID cases: 42,082,109; Deaths: 673,735
An ellipsis is a pause, assholes. And 40yo? Is not old. Stop being rude and have some fucking respect for your elders. And get the fuck off my lawn. Grrrr.
I started a post a week ago, but deleted it. It got really personal about money and I couldn’t expose myself so. Discussing money makes me extremely insecure and vulnerable—probably cause I don’t have any and it has been the bane of my existence and the people around me that I was closest to, have used the lack thereof against me time and time again to a prejudicial and traumatizing degree.
Adulting is hard—I wasn’t a good adult when I was forced to be one as a kid and I’m an even worse one now that I have to be.
Woke in a sweat after having a dream I was making out with a thousand year old vampire. I have no idea why.
I have nothing good to say about our government and politics. I have truly lost all hope in progress—we are an oligarchy and will continue to be one. Will we fall further into autocracy and a theocracy? Yes, probably—I’m sure we will since most of the bad guys are the ones with all the $$. The rich people value their money too much—honor, compassion, selflessness, charity, and social responsibilities are not principles they aspire. The rise of Christian nationalism is terrifying.
Please bear with me; I’m philosophically meandering and trying to come up with some answers by asking questions. The phrase and philosophy of ‘artistic freedom’—similar to that of ‘freedom of speech’—usually comes at some cost and oftentimes high; though, one of the most important features about that phrase and philosophy is that if the topic is controversial and provocative, it generates and circulates discussion, and isn’t that the most important element of all because discussion breeds information and education?—hopefully? Is it the most important detail that we talk about the detail, even if it is an unethical or immoral detail? We see what happens when we deny history and don’t talk about facts, a thing, a concern, an idea or a characteristic, or when certain people don’t want us to talk about those things re: CRT, #metoo, rape culture, transphobia, etc.—are we directed to talk and write and create art about these things because they exist and to deny that they exist is to deny someone’s story or their experiences or the facts thus marginalizing or diminishing them and humanity? Should harmful ideas be subject to artistic restrictions? What kind of artistic restrictions? Is that censorship? Does censoring these harmful ideas hurt the person harmed more than help them? What about a society where these ideas are quietly practiced yet not talked about, like racism or rape culture or transphobia—do we have a social responsibility to bring them to light and talk about them? In what ways? What kind of social responsibility should we take in this regard?
I’m not surprised at the toxicity coming from the NFL male coaches. That entire industry breeds violence and their words demonstrate such, especially since it is mostly pointed towards women (re: domestic violence rife among players). They seem to not believe that they can have a healthy, active and competitive game without it, and I don’t mean just a physical violence but an overall mental health and expressive violence and toxicity of such. That is at the heart of toxic maleness—they don’t believe they can be men without all that toxic machismo and violence against others that they feel are lesser than they are; that don’t meet their standards of men. It’s sad and quite pathetic.
Worldwide COVID cases: 238,421,217; Deaths: 4,860,593 Doses Administered: 6,506,722,004
US COVID cases: 44,461,752; Deaths: 714,242
I’m still disturbed by the previous post questions about ‘artistic expression’ and ‘freedom of speech’ and how those are often used as cudgels to punch down on marginalized; how it was used by Netflix to punish a trans employee for speaking out and denying them while giving a privileged persona a platform to spew some pernicious transphobia and homophobia. Netflix has edited harmful content many times before so why suddenly has Chappelle become the hill they’re intent on dying on?
I told y’all—Lala Land is NOT LIBERAL, at all. They engineer a preferred social order and lots of us are not innit or are simply servants to that dogma—the immutable characteristics of the other is unintelligible to that worldview and purposely the trespassers to it. They don’t accept that they have a social responsibility besides appeasing themselves, those gods and that gospel and consider that certain forms of bigotry are acceptable to that position even if it involves harm by one privileged individual to a greater number.
I ordered some Mario Badescu facial sprays from Ulta and man, the putrid stench of decomp smells better. I gave them to mom since she cannot smell LOL.
I, again, had a long post written exposing some vulnerabilities but ditched it because of my insecurities. These insecurities are killing my writing currently. It happens occasionally and I just need to get passed it. Stay safe. 😘
Worldwide COVID cases: 240,299,019; Deaths: 4,893,136 Doses Administered: 6,603,845,404
US COVID cases: 44,903,846; Deaths: 724,105
© 2021 Matilda London/Pamela Gay Mullins